Last night, I finally hit my breaking point.
I was frustrated with God. We had arrived home from the ER about an hour prior, Mazy was struggling, I was beyond tired, and Dan was the most patient man alive. As I sat on the couch exhausted, waiting for Mazy to go to bed, Dan tried to give Mazy some medication and after she fought it for some time, he finally got it in, but then she threw it up, all over her favorite blankie, which you can about imagine how that went. We were both in tears. And again, Dan was handling it as the most patient man alive!
I finally told God: I AM FRUSTRATED. DO YOU SEE US STRUGGLING? As tears ran down my face…
I had just taken a medication that I didn’t realize needed to be taken with food, so I wasn’t feeling well (I suppose my own fault, due to my naiveness). I had hit my breaking point and just felt I had nothing left. Nothing.
Mazy settled down, I dried my tears, and we both were settling down for bed. I caved and went to bed, since I missed my afternoon nap due to being at the ER, and Dan graciously put Mazy to bed, once again. Again, with such patience!
I went to bed begging God to give us a good night’s rest. I begged God to just heal our family. Help Mazy to poop. Help me to feel better. Just give us what we need. I could feel God saying “Kristin, I’ve got you.” But did I fully believe it? No. I doubted.
But then I woke up at my normal times (it’s hard to adjust the body from being woken up almost every hour in the hospital to sleeping through)…and I never heard Mazy.
MAZY SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT.
She has not done this for us in ages. I cried. Again! Tears of joy! God, oh the grace and mercy you have shown us. I woke up, knowing that our sweet daughter was given exactly what she needed. Dan was able to get a full night’s rest. Finally. I was able to rest in peace, knowing my daughter was at peace. God, oh the grace and mercy you have shown us. Thank you for listening to our cries. Thank you for continuing to wrap us up in your arms. Thank you.
As for yesterday.
I met with the visiting nurse yesterday at noon and after talking through some of the issues I was having, I was starting to think I might land at the doctor’s office. Wasn’t necessarily thinking the ER, but hey, why not?
The nurse called in my INR results that test how thick or thin my blood is to Michigan. My INR was 1.6 at the time, which means my blood was too thick, which can easily cause clots. Meanwhile, I was having more pain in my leg where my blood clot was and it was creeping up the back side of it. The nurse shared that concern with the U of M when she called in my INR results and not 5 minutes later, I received a call from Michigan asking that I go to the ER because the clot was of great concern to them (rightfully so). If the clot moved, the fear was that it could lead to my lung and then heart, which would be no bueno.
I also have a large lump by my groin where the heart lung machine was placed during my first surgery, so I thought while I was there, I should have that checked out too. So though I was asked to come in just for the clot, really it was 3 fold – the clot, my INR, and the lump.
We didn’t necessarily rush there because we knew it could be awhile before we came home, so I packed an overnight bag just in case (we are getting use to this now), Dan finished cleaning up the leaves, and we both grabbed some lunch before heading out the door. Thankfully my mom had Mazy at the time, so we didn’t have to worry about finding a place for her. We arrived there at about 1:30.
Upon arrival, I was immediately seen and ironically, the nurse had remembered hearing about me when I was airlifted on October 31st! I knew it was probably a scene that wasn’t super common, but apparently I left my mark there!
After a few tests, it was determined that the clot had not moved, and the had just decided to just bother me a bit more, which was very good news, knowing that’s all it was! The lump on my groin is just a large hematoma and my INR? Well, Michigan wanted me to be admitted down there that day, but the doctor here said well, let’s try to treat it at home until she is seen on Wednesday at the U of M for a follow up. Then Michigan wanted me to be admitted at Zeeland, but again, the doctor said how about you just go home with a shot in the abdomen to try and help your INR along with the coumadin, and see what happens. Michigan finally agreed. So, at about 6, we headed home last night, which we were SO THANKFUL for because Mazy’s world has been thrown upside down and we didn’t want to spend another night away from her.
So on Wednesday, Dan and I will be heading to Michigan for a follow up, which is a good thing, considering that there have been enough little things going on, that it’s probably best to have the surgeon check it all out too, especially with how difficult of a time we are having, getting my INR up. I am going into it thinking I will be admitted because then if I am not, well, what a Thanksgiving gift that will be! They have not said either way, but knowing how low my INR is (it went from 1.6 to 1.4 within hours), I envision them wanting to monitor me.
But. BUT. We are praying that God will perform a mighty work in my life and sky rocket my INR so that it is therapeutic (between 2 and 3)! I know God can, but if that is not His will and He deems it best that we spend Thanksgiving in the hospital, then we know He has a good purpose in that too.
That’s what we kept saying yesterday when we were in the ER. God had a purpose for us being there and we hope that we were able to capitalize on it, whatever the reason may be. And we hope that on Wednesday as well. God has a purpose in it and we want to just obey and follow His will.
It’s not how we planned to spend our Thanksgiving week, but the thing we have to be most thankful for is that all of this really has NOTHING, NOTHING to do with my heart! My heart sounds perfect and that is why we aren’t too worried about any of this. Maybe we should be, but we aren’t. If it was heart related I would be a basket case I think this morning, but all of this is unrelated to the heart, which we couldn’t be more thankful for!
And my doubts have subsided. My frustrations with God, I have dealt with and God has again, proven Himself faithful. God IS good. I was brutally honest with Him last night, but God wrapped me up so tight last night and said “Kristin, I’ve got you.”
Thank you, Lord! God IS good.