When have you had a hard time accepting reality? When have you pushed aside the truth about your situation, only to find it scream at you later?
I am not very good at letting anything slow me down. Just ask my husband. I am great at pushing through until whatever I am fighting against, pushes me back.
I feel like “slowing down” has been a recurring theme in my life lately, which God clearly is telling me for a reason! We have recently exited out of a rather crazy time in life and now God is introducing a new way of living. One of just accepting the life He has given us and for me, it’s accepting reality.
When we were busy moving, working on house projects, and getting acclimated to a new area, I was able to push aside the reality of my health. Then on Sunday, it all hit me.
On Sunday, I could barely make it through the pastor’s sermon as he preached on the hardest prayer every prayed. The very prayer Jesus prayed the night he was to be crucified – not my will, but your’s be done. To top off the fighting back of tears, we sang “Because He Lives” and I don’t think there were many dry eyes after we sang the last note of that song. It is because He lives, that we can ALL face tomorrow. No matter what our circumstances. All we have to do is look behind us and see what Christ did for us on the cross.
Up until then, I have been able to accept the reality of my heart situation with a fair amount of ease. Then this past weekend, when I felt the worst I have in a long time, it finally hit me that I wasn’t okay. and I wasn’t ready to accept that. I couldn’t keep pushing forward, as my body was pushing back. Saturday night, Mazy struggled to sleep from 1-5am, and as she looked up at me, trying to fall back asleep, she asked me to sing to her. Tears started to well up in my eyes, as I whispered “mommy can’t”. Probably some of the most heart-wrenching words I had to tell my daughter. Singing is “just what I do” with Mazy at night. For the first time, I did not have enough breath to sing to her. The humidity and fluid build up around my heart made it too difficult to sing.
I went back to bed that night and realized I couldn’t lay down because I was too short of breath. Is this what reality really was? Was I just not willing to accept it?
I wasn’t. God has shown me time and time again in my life, that His purposes will prevail, no matter how much I fight back. No matter how hard I try to push through. After my heart cath, my mom asked if she could bring over supper and immediately I thought eh, I’m fine. Then I thought, wait. No. I’m tired, I’m sore, I’m supposed to take it easy, and if someone is offering to help, I need to be willing to accept it. Something I realize I am HORRIBLE at doing, but know I need to work on this.
In my near future, I will literally be helpless. There will come a time when I will not even be able to lift my own head off of a pillow. There will come a time when I will not be able to bathe myself. There will come a time when I will no longer be able to hold my daughter. There will come a time when I will literally have no choice, but to accept reality and accept help.
That reality had me in tears for quite some time on Sunday. Just thinking about not being able to care for Mazy has been an incredibly hard reality for me to accept. I think about her sweet little voice asking “hojee” (translation: hold me) and to have to say no? My heart can’t quite get there yet, but it will. Because it’ll be my reality.
Friends, I clearly do not always have it all together. I lose it at the most interesting times. In fact, I’m sure Dan at times wonders what the world just happened, as I am blubbering. The tears fall because I realize I am just not sure I can accept FULLY what it is to come when I REALLY think about what it means. But guess what, I can’t get through it alone. I can’t do it – without God’s hand. And THAT’S the point I had to get to on Sunday.
I have received the most sweet messages, telling me that if I need anything, to just say the word. I am not good at that, but I am determined to be. You see, I firmly believe that when you squash the help of someone, you are squashing the gift God has given them through a helping hand. Easy for me to say that, harder for me to accept. But I don’t want to be a gift-squasher.
How about you? Has there been a time in your life when you didn’t want to accept reality? When you wanted to turn the other way and hope it would just all go away, instead of facing it head on? Every person has their moments – it doesn’t matter what you are going through. As much as we think we are invincible and can conquer the world, let’s be honest, can’t. Plus, that has already been done for us – we just need to follow THE conqueror, our Savior Jesus Christ.