Do you ever sometimes feel like certain parts of your life are surreal and a distant memory, but are so real in the sense that you couldn’t imagine your life without those circumstances or situations?
Five years ago, we said “see you later” to our precious little twins. There is an incredibly long story that goes along with those words, one that I am hoping to one day put into a book. And yes, it’s in the making!
Many of you have followed our story during that time 5 years ago. If you are wondering about our story, you can read it in the “About” tab above. In that description of who we are, you will find various links to other blog posts I have written, telling our story.
It is hard to believe that our twins would have been a little over 4 years old if they were with us today, kissing their cheeks one last time before sending them off to school, with tears running down our faces, but a skip in their step. I sometimes allow my mind to wonder what our life would have looked like, had God not taken them back home, BUT.
I look up from my computer as I type this post, seeing a little bowl with smarties in it, with a Curious George DVD right next to it. I see the little bandaid on my foot, that Mazy thought I needed, to make an owie all better. I see a pair of Dutch shoes, with a teeny tiny pair inside of them, with the name, Mazy Grace.
And the tears fall.
My friends, if you do not believe in the story of God’s amazing grace, let me tell you, it is REAL. It is tangible. It is life-giving. In so many ways. I have never experienced such heartache and deep grief, until we lost those precious twins. But Dan and I stand today, telling you that though the journey does not make sense at times, God’s grace is far greater than we could EVER fathom.
In looking back to September 17, 2012 and see Mazy who is exactly 2 1/2 years old now, she is not a “replacement” She does not erase our past.
I like to see her as an AND to our story.
I stare into Mazy’s big blue eyes and truly cannot imagine our life without her. At 31, I never imagined giving birth to our very own child. And here we sit today. With 3 children a part of our story. This morning Dan and I started talking about our two little babies in Heaven. Then I saw Dan pull the picture we have of our two little framed paper owls off the piano, as tears started well up in my eyes. He pulled sweet Mazy onto his lap as he began to tell her that she has two siblings in Heaven. We told her they were with Jesus and she kept saying “babies Jesus.” Oh what a safe place to be, in the arms of Jesus.
The more I think about our 3 children, the more I think that they are ALL an answer to our prayers. Yes, Mazy is the answer to our longing for an earthly child. But all 3 of them, have had a specific purpose in our life. God’s grace overflowed into our lives when He taught us life is not our own, but is His alone. That our ways are not always His, and His plan is ALWAYS better. For our good too, even in death. Dan and I can both sit here and say we are not the same people we were 5 years ago and never will be. Nor do we want to be those people again. Our understanding of who Christ is, is far greater, thanks to the journey God has brought us through.
God has taught us more about His grace and unconditional love, that I have a hard time putting into words. I have started, restarted, backspaced, retyped, this post often.
But one thing I do know. Is that our family is filled with ANDs. And so is yours. Things may not go as planned, but I don’t see them as a detour, but as an addition to the story. Mazy has not replaced our two babies we lost, but is a perfect and gracious addition to our continued story.
I don’t know where you are at in life. Maybe you have suffered through numerous miscarriages. Maybe you now have children of your own. Maybe you are longing for that child. Still to this day. But don’t let any situation act as a replacement. They are ALL “ands” because our stories continue to be written everyday. God is NOT done with me. NOR IS HE DONE WITH YOU. He is busy writing a story that we will not fully comprehend until the day God calls us home. When He says, “well done, good and faithful servant.” Could I have imagined that EXACTLY 2 1/2 years later, that God would place a child in our arms? Never. In my wildest dreams.
Let God write your story. It may be filled with much joy and at times pain and deep grief, but don’t ignore that “and…” in your story. It will be life-changing.