God did something pretty cool in my life today.
When I was walking back to my car from cleaning church, I had this immense thought of “I feel like I’m ‘Kristin’ again!” I almost didn’t know what to think of that feeling b/c it had been so long since I had felt like that – but I just remember smiling and saying thank you, God. It is only by HIS grace that I was able to say that.
Yesterday Dan and I had the opportunity to see an old (he’s not old though) college friend who had been out of state for 4 years, going to seminary. Boy did we laugh hard and it felt so incredibly good to laugh like that again. I feel little things are starting to come back. When I talk with someone, I don’t feel this sudden stress of “how am I going to talk about it today?” I feel I am starting to have other things in my life that matter. I am started to find my identity again. I felt I somewhat lost that when something so precious to a woman, like giving birth, was taken away. I felt I lost a little bit of my womanhood. I felt I lost a part of me. But God is finding ways to fill what was lost. I still don’t fully understand why, I still don’t get it, I still am frustrated, I still get sad, and I still get consumed in thoughts of it. BUT…those consuming thoughts aren’t constant. I am not sad all the time anymore. I am starting to accept the fact that I may never know why.
I feel I am becoming ‘Kristin’ again. Sheesh, it’s bringing tears to my eyes just saying that b/c I look at how far God has taken me. He has taken Dan and I through quite a challenge, and He continues to take us through it daily, BUT, HE is taking us through it – we don’t have to go through it alone. Dan and I pick on each other more – that’s a sign of happiness for us :). We laugh more. I want to go do stuff more often. Before, I felt so introverted, so closed up. I truly didn’t want to leave our house looking back. I didn’t want to see people b/c I didn’t know if I would cry. But I did and I am thankful I did.
God has given me so many blessings through people. The conversations I had with someone today, I treasure them. The conversations I had with a dear friend yesterday, I loved. We do not walk alone on this earth, even though on days it feels like we do. Today I was expressing the fear to someone that I am worried about having bad days again. I KNOW they will happen, but I fear them. I don’t EVER want to go back to how I felt in October/November. But my friend had a good point – at least I can look back and see that God has taken me through those bad days. I can truly sit here today and say YES, God HAS taken me through those horrible days and HE WILL take me through them again.
I am excited to see what God has in store for Kristin. I am excited to see what God has in store for Dan and Kristin. I am excited that God gave me the feeling that I am feeling like ‘Kristin’ again. Please praise God today if you get a chance for that b/c that truly is a God-sighting today!