I’m not even sure where to begin with this one :)! A couple of posts ago I had talked about my heart condition and where that put us today. As truthful as I was in that, there were still some things that were not said because of fear, the thought of not wanting to “deal with it,” and just fear of being a true human. In that I mean being honest about all the inner struggles Dan and I have dealt with over the past years. Now I have to let go of my pride and just let it all out! I want people to know me as a real person and not as someone who always has it all together.
I had mentioned that we were struggling lately with the comments people were making about us having/not having kids. The reason that has been so hard is because we have had so many conversations ourselves about not having any kids at all, adopting, or even seeing if we can have our own. Conversations that I never really thought I would have to have. I guess when I first had the surgery, I guess I was thinking that maybe my heart would be better by now. It has been a complete emotional roller coaster the past month for some reason. Sometimes I read something or hear something about kids and I just bawl. It’s so hard to explain just because I myself don’t even know what I want. Dan and I were talking about it all one day and I couldn’t even tell my own husband what was wrong b/c I didn’t know :). I think there are just a lot of realities coming to head right now. Even though I’m only 26, it’s that age where most people have kids, or will be having them soon it seems. That’s when I sometimes don’t understand why we have to even talk about whether it’ll be a life or death situation. I get so sad and frustrated at the same time. I would love to say that everyday I wake up completely understanding that this is God’s will for me, but somedays my emotions just take ahold of me.
With all that said…we decided to have some further testing done on my heart. In October I will be having a TEE test, (transesophogeal echo) where they put a camara down my esophagus to get a clearer picture of my heart. It’s just an outpatient procedure (as long as everything goes well). Doctors will then be able to determine the risk that a pregnancy would be and also just the condition of my mitral valve – like if I need to have open heart surgery again sooner rather than later. For some reason, the talk of getting this test and calling the doctors was so hard. I know it all sounds so silly. But I questioned why do I even need a test to figure this out – I once again maybe assumed that my heart would just get better? If I were “normal” I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this. I just cried after every phone call for that appointment because I just wasn’t understanding why I had to go through this. I sometimes get sick of going to the doctor for wierd things 🙂 – I am known for them! But through it all I’ve been really trying to dive into scripture to just get a clearer picture. Not necessarily of my life, but to realize that I am not alone. I have been reading through the book of John and I’m into the “Jesus’ healings” chapters. How ironic is that? Yes he healed people physically, but He was more concerned about their eternal life and their heart. THAT IS WHAT HE CARES ABOUT FOR ME! Yes He obviously cares about my physical body, but that “dies” at some point – it’s my soul and my faith that will carry me on to eternity. Not my physical heart. It’s what matters what I do with a situation – whether hard or easy that God cares about. Why does it take me so long to realize that sometimes? God expects tears to come b/c when we are broken, sometimes that’s when the most “work” is done.
So, whatever the tests results are, I have to go into it understanding that I may never find the “right answer” I am looking for. Even if they give me clearance to get pregnant – it’ll be high risk and we won’t really ever know how my heart will handle it til it happens. Scary. Because they haven’t found someone with my past situation who has made it to this point. Maybe the doctors will see that my heart is not healthy enough – and that is maybe what God wants. And what God wants, I have to want. And maybe He is leading us to adoption – if that is what God wants, He will make that happen. Maybe our youth group kids will forever be “our very own kids.”
We just pray that this appointment will give us answers – no matter WHAT the answer is. We just have to trust God that this is His perfect plan for us and that God knew that we would be going through this for a reason. Through tears and laughter in it all, God knows best even if we don’t. And the reason I say all this is because I want people to know “us.” And us includes everything. I’ve learned that the more “real” you become, the more “real” people can be with you. Boy our youth group kids teach me alot 🙂