Last night Dan and I spent the night chillin’. You would think that being our age and having no children, that we would have many nights just us two. Well, our nights tend to fill up pretty quickly (our own doing of course), so a night to ourselves, was welcomed. We must both admit sometimes we get a little antsy as we don’t know what to do, but this night, we…
I threw together some supper…we had leftover tortellini, but no sauce. I appreciate the internet for the fact that I had 1 cup of heavy whipping cream that I had to use – lo and behold, I found a recipe online for creamy alfredo sauce, using 1 cup of cream.
And…it ended up being one of the best – extremely rich, but SO GOOD.
As we finished up our pasta meal, we turned to what a year ago looked like.
We still to this day, almost see that time as a blur. In September and October, we were busy trying to figure out what to do next – which was move out of our home and in with Dan’s parents. We are thankful for that busy time (though hard) because it kept our minds occupied.
Then time hit. Time to think. Time to reflect. Time to really comprehend what happened. Yet we didn’t know how. We didn’t know what to do. Where to turn. What to feel. We were numb.
November and December were difficult months. Dan admits he slipped into depression. He wanted to do so much, but didn’t know how. He wanted to be somebody, but didn’t know where to turn. On the weekends, we went up to my sister and brother in law’s house so Dan could help with his boat – what a BLESSING that was. It gave us some purpose. Purpose in a time when it was hard to find purpose.
It wasn’t until we went to Belize, that God sparked something in us. Dan again, felt purpose. That yes, indeed, He CAN be used by God. That his calling to ministry IS what God wants us to do. That God was NOT done with us.
We sat in the back of a truck in the middle of the burial grounds in Belize City – known to be one of the poorest parts of Belize City. We climbed in after talking with Natasha, whose life was in shambles. We cried together and we prayed with her. We left with a hug to remember and an experience that we will take with us and reminisce about in heaven.
In the back of this truck, Dan and I just wept. An uncontrollable amount of emotion being released. We wanted our babies back. We wanted to see them in heaven. Yet we meet Natasha and realize that heaven is a longing we will always have – like we have to see Natasha again. Heaven is a reality for us, yet God has us on this earth in the here and now. And God wants us here NOW. All this, we realized in that moment in the burial grounds
Dan is amazing at analogies. He puts hard to understand concepts into simple words. He described Belize as a need to be broken. Again. Like a broken bone.
From September-December, we were broken. Our hearts were mended, but filled with scars and something was not just right yet. The “bones” weren’t set right. It was in Belize, that God broke us yet again. Yet broke us in a way, that we were starting to see a permanent fix. When you break a bone, if not set right the first time, you need to break it again. THEN, real healing can begin.
That was our life in Belize. God broke us to start rebuilding on the purpose He has for our lives. It was in Belize that God confirmed our calling in tremendous ways, to ministry. To youth ministry. God was not done with us yet. And we vividly remember that feeling in the back of the truck in Belize, our hearts torn apart at the poverty and our love for a woman we spent 10 minutes with. And there came out the emotions of our babies. Our longing. And…
Our healing began…
God gently reminded us that our calling in life is to serve Him, despite our circumstances. Despite the pain. Despite the loss. Again, God gave us a purpose – a purpose to proclaim His name.
And God will probably break us again. And again. And yet again. Experiences happen so that God can build us back up – heal us – make us into His new creation. Sanctify us. And one day, it will all make sense.
And today, we couldn’t be more thankful for the brokenness God has done in our lives. It hurt. It left scars. Some of them physical scars. But we know that God is making us anew and THAT is why we praise Him. THAT is why we give Him all the glory!