I’m kind of having a wierd day today…I keep thinking about the whole kids thing for some reason. I don’t know what sparked it, but maybe it’s just because I haven’t “dealt” with it for awhile. Not a single day goes by without thinking about it, but today seems to be more than usual.
What I struggle with a little bit is what if God’s desire for us to not have a “family” of our own? I have a hard time grasping that. Yesterday Dan and I spent the day up in Zeeland watching the Lakeshore basketball teams play Zeeland West. It was a GREAT time to watch 3 of our kids play. Sometimes I caught myself wondering why we won’t have one of our own out on the court someday? What if we will have an adopted child out there? It grieves me to think that that might not be a possibility. I saw another couple who was so proud of their “newish” born son, that everyone wanted to hold him, and part of me wanted that. I think about the Christmas gatherings coming up and it’s going to be hard this year, even though that’s the last thing I want. It’s hard to see kids so excited to show their mom or dad the gifts they received and they can share that moment with their own child. It makes me feel empty. But I have to remind myself that we are blessed to be aunts and uncles to 8 nieces and nephews. We can share those moments with them. We can share our LOVE with them.
The other thing I am struggling with lately is just finding what God has next for us. That hasn’t been an only “today” thing…this I have been thinking about since the day we found out. I still wonder!? Sometimes I feel that I’m not doing enough for people, though I know it’s because I have a void in my heart right now. I’m trying to find ways to fill that void, so I try to do as much as I can to fill it, but then I end up feeling burned out; I was just telling Dan that today at lunch. I think I’m trying to find that “next” thing, but I can search and search, but God knows the right timing to reveal it to us. I told him we need to go on vacation – so we have been trying to plan one :). I am ready to go to the Dominican. I am ready to love on those kids. I think I will probably cry down there, only because it’s going to be so hard to leave. The day we left from the DR 4 years ago, I was never the same. It was a life-changer. I feel I left a piece of my heart with those kids. Quick story – one day, we were ready to go home from the worksite, and there was one little girl who wanted me to hold her all day. So I did. I gave the girl back to her sister and she just bawled. I asked what’s wrong and in Spanish she told me the little girl didn’t want me to leave. That’s when my heart broke and my passion for those kids grew, and even my passion for children in general. That’s why I guess I’m still having a hard time grasping all that has happened to us this past fall. YET…if we had a child, it would be hard to go back to the DR this coming year. It would be hard to do mission trips. To me, that is one reason why God has led us on the road He has.
This will soon pass…for that I am sure of. Sometimes these days, though rough, are good for me because it makes me reflect on the road God is taking us on, reminding me that He’s not done with us yet, and that I still have a long road ahead too. It surely keeps me humble and falling on my knees! I know God will bless in this – He will uphold us. He will strengthen us. I am SO incredibly thankful for Dan because he made me laugh so hard this noon, and it felt good. God knows what we need, even before we do!
I know this is a different post than most recently, but I do not want to hide what is truly go on inside. God is still working on us and we are not giving up 🙂