In life, we have the choice to see our circumstances as either a loss or a victory, or we can CHOOSE VICTORY EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Have you ever thought about that? In life, I so often classify situations as either negative/positive, good/bad, easy/hard, or loss/victory. But in Christ, there is ALWAYS victory.
And that is what I have to daily remind myself with – is that truth.
Our circumstances will get us down. We will hear news that can stop us in our tracks. But will we choose to be victorious anyways?
Today I had another heart check-up. I’d love to say it was “routine,” but there isn’t much “routine-ness” around here anymore. It’s has become a battle to fight this heart failure. And I’m determined to be victorious in every way I can. I want to beat the odds. And even more so, I want to show WHO is King of this situation. Not me. Not the doctors. But Christ Himself.
Dan and I did not have a clue which way today would go. We didn’t think they would say “heart transplant,” and they didn’t. Definitely talked at length about having one, but I’m not there. Yet.
Really, we are back to where I was in May, just with a few more issues to address. In May, I was back to medication changes. Is it draining? Is it exhausting? Yes and yes. But I’m not going to let this stop me. The plan? To continue to tweak my medication, which may not be easy. It seems like such a small thing, but when you are on strong medications that can wreak havoc on your whole body, it’s a tender situation. One that takes intricacy and deliberate monitoring.
They suggested I be admitted to do this med change and I’m sure my face said it all. Not again. I get that I may not feel well and it would be best to monitor me very closely, but to be in the hospital when you don’t feel “sick” is a hard one for me to swallow. Not all for me, but I can’t do that to my daughter, again. Thankfully there were no beds in the U of M hospital too, so we decided to try making the changes at home with close monitoring. Whew!
We talked at length about what a heart transplant would do for me. Two tests I do not pass to have one and, at this point, I may not even come out ahead or feel any better. In that case, I don’t want one either! Life after a transplant can be hard, so I’d rather keep my own heart and keep fighting through this.
Like my doctor said, with heart failure, you are not going to feel good. It’s about managing your symptoms and ensuring I don’t decline any more than I have. With my EF (how hard my heart squeezes) not being a good number, I can’t stay at that level forever because my heart will literally deteriorate and I will need a transplant. They were hoping my PVCS (extra beats) were causing the low EF b/c then they had tangible solutions to that problem, such as an ICD and ablations, both procedures/surgeries that I will have in the near future. But that wasn’t the case and the EF is a whole separate issue.
So how do I get through each day, living with heart failure? It’s tough and it’s going to be tough. I’m going to have bad days and it’s going to be a rollercoaster. But as my doctor said, I am doing everything that I can possibly be doing.
And that gives me assurance that I can be victorious. Why? Because it’s not in my control, but in the very hands of God. My job is to proclaim His name. To share of His faithfulness and great love and grace. It’s not easy, if I’m honest. There are times when I wonder too, what the world is going on. But when I keep my focus and choose victory, I will be victorious, through Christ.
So what’s the plan? Why not throw another wrench into things…my blood sugar has tested consistently high, so they are testing for diabetes. I almost laughed. Kind of. Why not, right? We are praying something else is skewing my results. I will also have 3 other blood tests on Friday and if I feel ill, I will be admitted. But I’m telling you, I’m not going to be. I’m trusting that I won’t be. Not on my own power, but praying that is God’s will.
Then I will go back to Ann Arbor next Friday to meet with the doctor and figure out what the NEXT steps are, after this med change tomorrow. It’s slow. It’s hard. And it’s worth it. Ann Arbor will recognize the Honda Odyssey van well by the end of all of this, but it is completely worth the drive instead of the other option – being admitted. No thanks.
I’m choosing victory today. It doesn’t mean that this victory is easy. It’s unbelievably hard sometimes. But as my pastor reminded me, my heart disease doesn’t define me. It’s a vehicle. It’s an avenue. My tomorrows are so up in the air, and yours are too – believe it or not. But how will you choose to live?