Day 3 after finding out and it’s becoming more and more painful. Like I said yesterday, I knew it would continue to hit us more and more, and that is true. While cleaning today, I just kept thinking about the what ifs. When I got home, I think Dan sensed I needed to talk, so we just sat. Sat together. Sat together and just let it all out again. We let out what we are going to be missing. I let me tears fall. But then we talked about the positives and that felt so good! Though I am reminded that right now there are WAY more negatives than positives I feel.
I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not being able to be “normal” and being able to have children. I think “well maybe we don’t trust God enough.” But Dan had a very good point and I agree. He would rather mourn something he doesn’t have and won’t have, than mourn something he had and then lose it (me). So true. We can mourn not having our own together. I feel guilty for saying that we don’t even want to adopt right now. I feel guilty for saying we don’t even want kids right now. All I want is it to just be Dan and I. I don’t want to have to worry about the kid thing anymore. We are done with it. Since the day we got married it was a “I don’t know if we will, but we won’t have kids right now b/c we just aren’t sure.” Well, now we know and we know the risks and they aren’t good. But it feels even MORE guilty even though we have tests that told us it’s not good. It’s frustrating. But we are still trying to learn to accept this. To figure out how to move on from something like this. After our long talk, we just sat cuddled together and in my heart I knew this was right. That this is what God wants for us right now. We can’t think about “what’ normal” and what normal people our age are thinking about. We are different. We will ALWAYS be different. And we need to realize that.
Yes tears are still falling, but I know Dan and I are dealing with it the way we should be – talking about it, just being together, and praying. Even though Dan was gone for only 2-3 days, I never missed him so much! (Well, maybe the whole Alaska issue), but we just need each other right now! I’ve never loved that man so much in my life :)! And we continue to press on each day, hand in hand, trying to walk the life of faith.