I sometimes find myself dreaming.
Dreaming about our past, our todays, and our tomorrows.
Yes, I even dream about our past. I have been busy writing our story into a book and of course in doing so, it brings back all of the memories, the joys, and even the grief. I sometimes dream about what our life would have been like with our twins. I love those two even more each day, wishing that our sweet Mazy could meet them. Dreaming about that reunion day and wondering how Mazy would respond to them. I am pretty sure they would never have a chance to get a word in, but that is what makes me long for that day even more. When our family is complete.
Not that I wish for our life to be any different; I really do not. I know that without the hurts of the past, we would not be where we are today. I truly believe that if Brenda did not offer to carry our twins, and if we did not stick our ground when it came to embryo donation (which we didn’t do in the end), Dan would not have been let go, we would not have moved to Minnesota, and we would not have Mazy. God brought beauty from the ashes.
To this day, I could not be more thankful for the opportunity to be pregnant and to give birth to Mazy. Oh the joy our sweet girl brings to our life!
I can’t imagine our life without her. And I pray I never have to.
Then I start dreaming about our todays. How do you dream about the todays? Well, in those wee hours rocking Mazy back to sleep, I dream about the day. I dream about what I want to do with her. I dream about what I want to teach her. I dream about the possibilities and opportunities I have with her. Dreams that just still seem so surreal.
Mazy has been taking GREAT naps (don’t ask me about night-time), but after 2 hours, I am itching for her to wake up because I want to play with her. I want to hug her. I want to kiss her. I want to just be her mom. Oh if she only knew the love I have for her!
Then I start dreaming about our future. I sometimes wonder what our next 10 years hold. I wonder what our life will look like? I wonder how God will use us in His Kingdom? What challenges are up ahead? What joys?
I remember when we were going through the IVF process, my parents came down one weekend and we were walking through a toy store. I was looking at old-school toys. The type of Fisher Price toys I grew up with, with no technology in or on them. My looked at me and said “it’s okay to dream…”
And I’m glad I never stopped dreaming. I am overwhelmed that God would choose to fulfill our dreams in such an unimaginable way.
Never stop dreaming. Dreaming about your past only makes the todays even more clear. Dream about your todays so that your future becomes more clear too. Dream about your future so that you continue to lay your life into the Father’s hands.