Another day. Another day of accepting the life God has given us. Another day of realizing that God is not done with us! I woke up this morning thinking “I can do this.” I started to vacuum the sanctuary at church and I realized it was taking everything in me to not just start crying. I kept thinking about why. Why did yesterday happen the way it did? We came out of yesterday with the same feelings we had going into it, and knowing my heart is getting worse. I felt defeated. I started to think that maybe I am doing something wrong and “blaming myself” for what is happening to me. The devil was getting the best of me. I walked out of the sanctuary, saw Dan, and just completely lost it. All the frustrations, hurt, and confusion was released. Dan reminded me that God is still going to use us. He will use us today, tomorrow, and in the future – no matter what our life looks like. He said that even though my heart may be physically and emotionally broken, no one can take away what I do with my heart – I can still serve God and still live for him with my spiritual heart. After a few minutes I gained my composure and continued cleaning, realizing that I am better than this. God wants more for me than this.
Then my dear friend and the secretary at the church came down to talk b/c she could tell I was struggling. And it all came out again. She reminded me that God has something so special for us and we don’t know what that is, but no matter what it is, it’s huge. She is so right. God won’t give us something we can’t handle. Once again I felt so weak. Struggling to find words – feeling so low. But God blesses me with friends who know how to empathize, feel the pain with me/us, and help me realize that we are not alone, even though that feeling is so strong sometimes.
I sit feeling like I am getting back on my feet. I didn’t know how God was going to use me today b/c I was so weak, a complete basket case, yet He still found ways. Today a woman at a place I was at had fallen. I had just driven up and people were running around wondering who was going to call 911 – someone did. I ran over to her and she had a big pool of blood by her head, but she was completely responsive. So I picked up her hand, held it, and rubbed her arm, to keep her calm, while others were trying to keep pressure on her head until the ambulance came. A scary situation, but at the same time, I had so much peace realizing that no matter what situation we are going through, God CAN AND WILL still use us. I looked at this lady and thought – “if you only knew what we were going through and how “weak” I really am” – but at that point in time, she needed me to be strong and to encourage her that she was going to be okay. God found a way to use my weakness and make me feel strong. By all means I did not do anything life-saving. But it was a way God used me to help someone who was in need – I felt He was using me.
I can’t do anything to change the circumstances. I can’t do anything to help my heart heal – NOTHING – accept pray. God is with us always, even when we feel he is distant. Today was a challenge, but God isn’t done working in us. I just have to be open each day to His plan for me and thank Him for another day to serve Him.