Not even sure how to begin this so I’m just going to start…
Brenda’s numbers were signficantly lower today, which means she is no longer pregnant. They were in the 600 range when yesterday’s test was at 1396. We believe the babies left her body on Monday.
It is with such sadness, grief, pain, and disappointment that we say this. And it is with sadness and pain that we grieve too, for Tim and Brenda. Like I said before, this does not just effect us – all the more it effects them. We are overwhelmed with emotion during what was the start of a better day today. But, we had a WONDERFUL visit with Tim and Brenda this afternoon. It was exactly what we needed. On the drive there, I was just shaking, my heart racing, and tears flowing. This was not why we were supposed to be going to their house – we always went to their house to “see” the babies. Not to have conversations about them being gone. We stepped in the door and I saw Brenda’s smiling face – that in and of itself took so much pain away. I just felt so bad for her (and that is saying it lightly). We were able to cry, reminisce, and even laugh. It felt wonderful. We were able to talk about the grieving process. We were able to talk about what was. We were able to talk about what will be. Praise God for such an intimate time with them.
Even though we assumed and realized that Tuesday was the start of a new journey for us, we didn’t know that receiving such news of today would be so difficult. Yes, we were praying that if the pregnancy had ended, that God would make that very clear today. He answered that prayer with Brenda’s numbers being significantly lower, but the grief was still there.
It is so hard to understand why. I know that is such a cliche statement in such a time as this, but we were just so sure that since God led us this far, that He was going to complete it. I suppose He did complete it – but in our eyes it doesn’t feel complete. God knew that it would not work. Even though we realized God could have stopped the process at ANY time, we just didn’t think He would take us this far only to take them home.
Dan and I, through our whole struggle with whether or not to do embryo adoption, knew that God was just calling us to give up everything for Him. Even if it meant our embryos. Little did we know that He was preparing our hearts to give up the children we had implanted. God knew what He was doing, but we just had no clue that God was working in our life that way.
So, we move forward. I almost dislike saying that because it sounds like we are moving past our children. We want to hang on to what is behind us – our children. They will forever be a part of our life. There is pain in moving forward, but we are ready to deal with it. It’ll be hard, but God will sustain. God has blessed us so richly with Tim and Brenda’s friendship. Today was a beautiful representation of that. We know that our relationship won’t LOOK the same b/c we won’t have babies in our arms like we thought, but it will FEEL the same because we know God is taking us 4 down a road that we can’t even imagine in our human minds. There is a glimpse of excitement about it, even amongst the sadness.
We said this is NOT the end of the journey, even though it feels like it is. God has more in store. We are eager to see what that consists of. Thanks again for your prayers!