My faith has been through the wringer.
There have been so many times in my life that I’ve thought, “Okay, God, you see me down here, right?” I’ve questioned his constant presence – I know he’s always there – but I’ve wondered his distance.
When I was in the hospital, a nurse asked me: each time that your health takes a turn, does it become easier or harder?
I had to sit there for a few seconds to think about that. In some ways, it has gotten easier, but in some ways, only harder. Easier because there isn’t much that surprises me anymore, which in a way I feel desensitized to what is really happening to me sometimes. Another test? Okay, whatever. Another issue? Add it to the long list already. But in some ways, it is harder.
I can’t help but look back to over 2 years ago, on October 20, 2017, when I had my second open heart surgery. I went into that surgery confident that I would come out a new person. In fact, the surgeon reassured me that I would be running marathons and having 10 kids if I wanted. How could I not be excited for that life? That new lease so to speak? Little did we know that on that day, it would be my last day of “normal.” My last day knowing my life as it used to be. I know that sounds dark in a way, but if I would’ve known what was lying ahead, I wouldn’t have been prepared for it because every obstacle that comes my way, only refines this faith. A faith that can be so fragile, but is continually being molded and I pray, a faith by His grace, reflects who He is. Not in my own power, but through the power of God.
I had one of those moments when I wondered God’s distance when I was in the hospital in October. No clear answers were found and I couldn’t help but think, “Okay God, do you not care? Do you not see that this is extremely frustrating?” But where the depth of my faith has grown, is that maybe no answer is an answer in and of itself. Maybe I don’t want to know the answer. Maybe I’m not ready for it. And maybe there just really are no answers and God wanted to just continue to refine this ole spiritual heart of mine. But in this, I’ve seen more clearly the mysteries of God. There are some things about God that I will never be able to fully understand until I sit on His lap and He can tell me story after story about the whys, as I sit nuzzled under His wing.
We all can look forward to that day, can’t we? We ALL have things happen in our lives that do not make sense. We all have situations that make absolutely no sense. At the moment. But I firmly believe that when you are in Christ, though God may seem distant at the moment, through time, we can eventually see how God uses that situation for his good. I think about when we lost the twins. I had zero and honestly negative (if that’s possible) understanding of why God would allow a miscarriage. But now, looking back, I can see God’s providence and sovereignty in countless ways. Peace that surpasses all understanding. Absolutely we can’t WAIT to be united with them. But until that day…we will continue to trust that he continues to work out his perfect plan.
What it comes down to, no matter WHAT we go through in life: Celebrations. A celebration of life service. Heartache. Health struggles. Emotional roller coasters. Mental battles. What it comes down to is this:
Do my actions and attitudes display a trust that God is for me, with me, and in me?
That’s the truth I want my faith to live by. That no matter what happens in this life, does what I do, how I act, and how I talk, reflect a trust in God with all my heart? And not lean on my own understanding?
I challenge myself daily to live with this trust. Tears and frustration will come. But at the end of the sentence, will I trust in Him. Period?
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