Start of day 3, and though we haven’t been able to nail down what is going on, we are making progress towards that answer.
Being the weekend, we knew that not much would happen, but that the goal would be to just monitor. Yesterday I had a CT scan to see if there was any tissue damage from the amiodarone I am on, and it came back looking good. Such a mix of emotions! Not that I want lung issues, but something is clearly wrong and yet we aren’t sure what that is yet. We continue trusting that God will open the eyes of us all, but as I sit and listen to the words:
When you don’t give the answers as I cry out to you…I will trust in you (Trust in You by Lauren Daigle)
I know that this is what I am to lean on. His love, care, and sovereignty! Even if the mountains don’t get moved. His will, will prevail!
For the CT scan, you have to lay flat and hold your breath, which was hard to do being short of breath from the get-go. By the end of the test, I was so short of breath that I became dizzy, hands became tingly, and body started to shake as I tried to regain my breath. A scary moment, but nevertheless, it passed. But because of that, I can’t go on any more walks until after I have some more testing done. That was hard to hear because that’s my one “out”. Though I have a hard time talking or holding conversations because I get so short of breath, so maybe it’ll help me not overdo it and I can just rest in the full sense of the word today!
This coming week, it looks like I will have a PFT (pulmonary function test), right heart catheterization, and ECHO. Hopefully from there, by the process of elimination, they can figure out what’s going on. I’m a fix-it person and just want to know what’s going on, but that is not God’s will at the time, so I’m trying not to make it mine. So hard to do though, isn’t it? When we feel it’d be best to just know, but God says “wait, my daughter, I’ll show you in my perfect timing…”
Having spent a few times up on this floor, I recognize some of the nurses and workers, which is such a gift, really. Of course they are all like “WHAT are you doing back here?” But for me, it feels like a welcoming home to the place where my heart is under such good care. All the way down to the person who cleans my room on the daily. An incredible woman who does her job with a smile on her face. How can that not be motivating and encouraging?
I hope to continue to give updates, but it will be a slow process for a bit. Thank you for the continued prayers! I know this is where I’m supposed to be and I’m comforted in that. Mazy is doing well, which makes this whole process SO MUCH EASIER for me mentally! I can focus on getting healthy and she can spend her time with those who just adore and love her. She sent me a sweet little video last night and I wanted to send one back, but she told Dan that “it would make her miss me too much and she would cry super hard.” This girl has been through so much and is trying to stay strong – something I sometimes feel a 4 year old shouldn’t have to do. But God has gone before her too and will give her what she stands in need of. I have to constantly remind myself of these truths, but listening to songs that just speak the truth of the gospel into my life, during a chaotic and uncertain time in life, has helped so much. And to be encouraged by so many of you!
I also want to thank you for loving our little family so deeply. We know we do not walk this journey alone!