Today has been one of those days because both Dan and I are a little under the weather. We both have colds and have been so tired. For me, I think it’s a combination of the emotional week, being mentally drained, and just the drastic changing of the weather, all leading up to today. Thankfully Dan and I had NOTHING going on today. We both slept in (rare for me) and just hung out all day. Sometimes when we’re in the house together all day (another rarity), we get antsy and need to get out, but today we were just content being together. We got some things done around the house, read, took cat naps, walked, watched football, got Taco Bell (remedy to heal a cold :)) and will probably watch football again tonight, and then head to bed on time. It’s just what we needed. For the past two years we’ve gone away on this weekend b/c it is usually a 5th Sunday, which means no youth group. But, there is a youth service tomorrow and three other things happening tomorrow which means we needed to be at church tomorrow, so we decided to not go away for the weekend. Part of me was really bummed that we couldn’t, especially after the week we had, but now with us both not up to par, we’re glad we can stay in the comfort of our own home. We’ll have to take that mini-vaca some other time. In the book “when the womb is empty” they recommended to do something together after a disappointment like ours. One of the suggestions was to go on a vacation – sign me up Dan said :). Hopefully after Christmas maybe we can take a little break together.
I finished reading the book When the Womb is Empty today, though I did skip some of the chapters on adoption b/c I’m still not ready to even think about that. I paged through them and they talked about the paperwork, money, and commitment to the process and I said no way! Making decisions around the concept of adoption does not sound appealing at all. I’m starting to wonder if God is calling us to not have kids at all. I think I’m thinking that too just b/c last week friday was such a blow. But at the same time, we both are just so content right now to just deal with what we have and maybe it’ll change in a few years. Yesterday at a high school football game we were at, it was hard to imagine that we may never see one of our kids with his name on the back of a jersey. That made me tear up. Also, a little boy was sitting next to me and he loved football. He kept looking at me and I just smiled and he smiled back – he was absolutely adorable. I just kept thinking how easily it is to love a kid when you know you can’t have your own. I just wanted to hold him on my lap and say “you are loved.” (Though I’m sure he would’ve wondered what my problem was :)). All these mixed emotions. So many things remind me of what we can’t have. Then I think of how content we are – what am I really supposed to feel? I’m so confused sometimes.
In this confusing time, I have to remind myself with what we do have. Dan and I have each other. While praying together today, Dan thanked God for our friendship. I have my best friend that I live and wake up next to everyday. I have my life – something that was in jeopardy 10 years ago. I can walk and move – Dan and I took a long walk today to get some fresh air and what great talks we had. We are blessed. Another thing that book said was to always praise God. EVEN when it’s hard – find something to praise Him with, b/c that will help in healing. I couldn’t agree more!