That high-pitched and piercing scream as the vacuum’s voice went into a deep throat-ed groan.
I will never forget that moment, when I turned around with the vacuum hose in hand, as I see my daughter pulling her hand from the bottom of the vacuum. The picture in my head of Mazy playing quietly in the living room was quickly a lie as I scooped up Mazy and saw the top of her hand was missing numerous layers of baby soft skin.
I cried right along with her as I wiped her tears and told her everything was going to be okay.
The day did not get any better. That night, she spiked a high fever and ended up taking her to the ER, to find out that ER doctor thought it was nothing. At the follow up appointment the day after, she was diagnosed with pneumonia. All while Dan was gone on a junior high retreat.
I will never forget that 24 period. I will never forget the guilt, shame, and regret I felt for not only failing to realize Mazy snuck up behind me while vacuuming, but also for not being more persistent with the ER doctor that something wasn’t right.
Then there are those sleepless nights – those nights when the rocking chair can’t rock any harder. Those nights when you wonder if morning will EVER come. Those nights when you can literally feel your patience draining right out of you.
Have you ever wished you had more patience? Had been more persistent? Or wished you responded differently?
In each of those moments, I sometimes felt like I lost and the Enemy was just stripping away everything beautiful. And then I realized that in those moments, in those guilt-filled, shame-over-flowing moments, that I am letting the Enemy win, as he applauses my guilt.
Then that hour later, when your child is sound asleep in your arms, when those tears of regret fall, I am reminded of the beautiful grace of God.
God did NOT create us to only feel guilt, shame, and regret. He created us to live BEYOND the regrets. He left all of those negative feelings and regrets on the cross. Not for us to carry, but for us to give to HIm.
Imagine if we lived not with regrets from the past, but instead lived with them IN the past? Imagine how that would change our parenting? Our living? Our faith?
I remember when Mazy was about 7 or so months old. I had a little piece of paper as a book mark and not seconds later, it was gone. I saw Mazy had a funny look on her face and I knew that she had eaten it. I flipped. I mean I FREAKED out. I remember thinking oh my goodness, it’s going to get stuck in her system, she’s going to get pneumonia from it being lodged somewhere it’s not supposed, and she’s going to stop breathing. I wish I was lying, but I am not. Talk about a worse-case-scenario mom!
Yeah, I’ve grown up a bit since then! Now I look back and just LAUGH at myself! Oh the things new mamas worry about!
There have been times, like when Mazy would defy sleep for nights on end, that we would just cry together. All we could do was cry. But I have learned that when I start to feel that mom-guilt and those mom-regrets, that I am forgetting to leave it all with the Person who left it all behind for us already.
It is time to not live with regrets, but leave them in the dust. To shove them behind and move forward. Our God is SO much bigger than them. Do we believe and live like He is?
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