Today is one of those emotional rollercoaster days. Dan headed to deer camp for the week (though I will see him Wed. night through Thurs. night for Thanksgiving), and I think it was hard to say goodbye to him. We are just the best of buds, so it’s hard to think I won’t be seeing that hottie for awhile. Then I get excited about the bundle of joy, Emma, that came into this world on Thursday. My heart already loves her so much b/c I think about her and realize how precious life is. I want to go see her so bad, but everytime I start to think about her (b/c I feel I love her so much already), I just start to cry. Cry for many reasons. Everytime I see a baby, whether at the bookstore, at church, in public, wherever, my mind right away thinks about how beautiful a baby is and our situation. God created a person in a mom’s womb! It’s hard to wrap my mind around it. And it just gives me good chills and good tears b/c babies are so beautiful. And then I tear up b/c I know we won’t have that. The joy of announcing a birth, the joy of having an ultrasound, the joy of seeing all the “firsts” in a child’s life. It’s such a mix of emotions and I don’t like it one iota! Inside I am so incredibly excited to be an aunt again and I am going to love that girlie so much b/c of where we are at in life, yet my heart aches. Everytime I see my nieces and nephews though, I have so much love to give them – they probably get sick of being kissed, touched, and hugged all the time from auntie Kristin, but it’s just what comes out!
Then tears fall because I still feel we are in this lull so to speak. A lull because I feel we are in between “steps” in our life. I just cry out to God – what it is next? Why do I keep wanting to know what the “next best thing is?” I just want to be happy for where God has us now. He has us in His arms and isn’t that good enough? That should be, but I guess I’m still looking for that ah-ha moment and realize where God is taking us. And that ah-ha moment may not be for another 20 years. I think today was a day I just needed to cry again and let it all out. And I know I need to continue to do that.
But then I think about what we do have – Dan has a chance to be gone for a week and not worry about me and a kid. We have the chance to just be spontaneous and go on a drive, go run to DQ to get ice cream, go for a walk, and not have to buckle in a kid. God has deeply blessed us – I just have to keep training my mind to go back to that and not dwell on the tough stuff.
God is good, God is faithful, and God is giving. He continually shows us His love in various ways each and everyday – I don’t know what I would do without my faith!