It is hard to believe that it has been that long since we said goodbye to our little hooties, but that is also why it makes today, our life circumstances in these moments, so special.
We wouldn’t understand the depth and love we can have for a child, if we didn’t know what it meant to lose and say goodbye to two. We wouldn’t understand the power of an ultrasound where we can see a beating heart, if we hadn’t seen a blank screen. We wouldn’t understand the intricacies of what God does in knitting together a child, if it wasn’t for the IVF process. To follow a pregnancy that close, with our beloved carrier, we wouldn’t be able to fathom the miracle (though I am certain at times we still can’t fathom what it means). If it wasn’t for God’s gift of those two little babies, our hearts wouldn’t be as full as they are today. I truly believe.
I struggled seeing past the grief and raw emotions that came with losing those 2. It took me weeks. Months. Even years. And in some ways, it is still hard. It took time. And even before we found out about my heart healing, I can honestly say that God has given us the gift of time, to heal. He has given us new life in many ways. In new surroundings, in new opportunities, in new passions, in new jobs, and most recently, in new life.
We never imagined that God would bless us with the gift of new life – inside of ME. Those ideas were only fleeting. Maybe dreams that we thought about for 5 seconds, but never let ourselves go there because that was not the road God has us on. We tried and tried to live in contentment with the fact that I couldn’t carry. I believe we got there.
And then God said “hold on a second, I have something even BETTER in store for you.” That week this past May, I can’t even explain the feelings. We celebrated our 8 year anniversary, we had my heart doctor’s appointment where we found out the leaking in my heart has greatly decreased, and we were reminded on May 17, the day our babies were due, that maybe, just MAYBE, our first 2 would have a sibling. And before we knew it, July 5 would confirm that yes, God created life within.
To think that our two children in heaven and our heavenly Father are rejoicing with us daily, over the life within, makes me excited and eager for the day when we will be one again – one family unit together, in heaven. I know those two little hooties are cheering their brother or sister on. I know that they are living it up in heaven and that in and of itself, has made all of the tears, pain, and grief, worth it. God has created a longing in us for heaven that we never felt before, but also a peace on this earth, that he is not done with us yet.
And He reminds us of that daily as we see our newest little one grow.
This little baby has given us new hope. This little baby has reminded us of where we’ve been. This little baby is a reminder that God’s promises hold true. And if it wasn’t for our lil hooties, we wouldn’t understand and be where we are today.
For those two children we prayed, and for this child, we continue to pray.