Blessed be the Name of the Lord! Yesterday we sat on our couch and listened to this song a few times and through the tears, we believe God will be blessed!
It is hard to put into words what we are feeling, but I am going to try my best.
First of all, we FINALLY know the results of Brenda’s blood test. Her number is low. She will have another blood test tomorrow morning to see if that number is getting lower or still getting higher. It is hard to not have a yes or no, but we pretty much know the answer. We are thinking that Monday, Brenda probably passed them just knowing what had occured and how her body is acting now. Not for sure on that one, but it is making a bit of sense. Tomorrow will be a determining factor, but our hope is that she just passed them on Monday and that her levels are going down (which means her body is responding appropriately). We were not surprised to hear her number was low, but we were just hoping for a yes or no. So we continue to wait to see if Brenda’s body is reacting the way it should, considering it is an assumed miscarriage.
Last night Dan and I were finishing eating a wonderful meal made by a friend of ours…which I have to quickly tell that story. So yesterday was Dan’s birthday and we kept saying what a wonderful birthday present it will be to hear how many kids we are having. Obviously the day did not go as planned. I told Dan that I wanted to make him one of his favorite meals, which is chicken pot pie. After the events of the day, I forgot about that and Dan told me to not make it. Well, then a friend of ours called and wondered if she could bring over supper. Of course! And what was it? Chicken pot pie. Not only was it chicken pot pie, but it was the best chicken pot pie we had ever had. So is that not GOD? Anyways, we read the Jesus Calling for August 23 – what we read when I had my egg retrieval. This is what it said again:
Entrust your loved ones to me; release them into My protective care. They are much safer with Me than in your clinging hands. If you let a loved one become an idol in your heart, you endanger that one – as well as yourself. Remember the extreme measures I used with Abraham and Isaac. I took Isaac to the very point of death to free Abraham from son-worship. Both Abraham and Isaac suffered terribly because of the father’s undisciplined emotions. I detest idolatry, even in the form of parental love.
When you release loved ones to Me, you are free to cling to My hand. As you entrust others into My care, I am free to shower blessings on them. My presense will go with them wherever they go, and I will give them rest. This same Presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Me. Watch and see what I will do.
We both just sat and cried as we tried to get through this reading. We know our babies are with God and He is cradling them in His arms – we just wish we were going to be the ones doing that. Yet we celebrate the fact that we have been parents – even if for just a few short weeks. It is hard to fully comprehend everything that has happened. We do have some sense of fear in us for fear of what we are going to lose next. We always said through Dan losing his job and our youth group kids, we always had our kids – but to not have that as a glimmer of joy anymore, is difficult.
Yesterday afternoon Dan and I had some time just to ourselves to cry. Think about our dreams we had and just to grieve the loss. After a few hours we had some visitors and it was wonderful to spend the evening with friends. We were so incredibly blessed to have a chance to just cry with them, but also laugh. It felt so good to laugh. We have received such wonderful and loving messages via email and facebook as well. We have said that even though we have lost a lot in our life lately, we have not lost our friends and family – for that we are so thankful to God. Yesterday Dan went for a walk and I was scared for him to go because I was afraid something was going to happen to him. I know that may sound ridiculous, but we are just in a season of our life that we know we could be losing so much more.
So where are we today? We are sad. We are disappointed. We hurt deeply. We hurt for Tim and Brenda and their family. We are still pretty emotional, but we truly believe and trust that God knows what He is doing. We sure do not get it. One of our uncles had said in response to Dan saying Brenda had an empty womb, it reminds him of the “empty tomb.” That brought such comfort to us. When people realized that Jesus’ tomb was empty, they wept. But there was joy in the fact that He had risen. Yes, Brenda’s womb is empty and our hearts ache and we weep for the loss she is experiencing as well, but we know that those little ones are in heaven rejoicing. We are thankful that if God was going to call them home, that He called them home now and not later. Yes we question why God waited until now, but we are thankful it was now and not later. It would’ve made the pain all the more difficult.
It is hard to believe that almost a year has gone by since we have started the gestational carrier process. It is hard to believe it has come to such an abrupt end. Though it may be the end of the physical process, we know God is going to work in us 4 through this too. We know the story is not over. Our hearts ache so much for Tim and Brenda. The gift they gave us – the opportunity to even GO down this journey. The gift of being parents for 3 weeks is something nobody can ever take away from us. Because of their generosity, we are forever changed. We are not the same people we were 1 year ago and this whole process was so worth it because we are forever closer to our Savior.
We all continue to grieve. We are all thankful to have each other. We know this is all going to take time. A long time. Before Tim and Brenda had asked us if Brenda could carry for us, we were at peace with not having our own children. Though it is hard to imagine now, we know we can get back to that place. We are much stronger now than we were back then. It will just take time.
We want to thank you ALL for your prayers and support. Many have asked if we need anything. We honestly have no idea what to ask for. We know we have needs, but we just are not sure what they are. We have been humbly and joyfully overwhelmed with everyone’s emails and cards – they are incredibly uplifting. It is hard to continue to move forward when all we do is keep looking back. But we know God is using you all to remind us of HIS great love for us and we can feel His peace.
Please continue to pray that God will help us all find closure in this. That the test results tomorrow will give definite answers. We miss those little munchkins so much. We know one day though, we will meet them face to face.