Today over all was a good day! I woke up excited to go to a Bible study that I’m a part of and just ready for a new day – hoping a day without a major breakdown. The Bible study was all about the devil and how he can and will creep into every corner that he can to bring us down – especially in our weaknesses. I’ve realized that the past two days I was letting the devil tell me lies – letting my weak mind tell me about myself. I wasn’t letting the armor of God protect me. It was a changing moment this morning for me! I needed it and God knew I needed it! I went to work with a renewed energy for life. I enjoy working at the bookstore just b/c you never know who will be walking through that door and what their life situation is. I made it through the work day without a tear and it felt SOOO good! I felt like Kristin again.
Then I went home. I got the mail and there were two things from Spectrum Health. A card from the nurses that aided me on Tuesday that “thanked” me for choosing them. And then a big envelope with paperwork and information for my stress test. I lost it completely. I was not ready for that. I’m sick of filling out paperwork. I’m sick of trying to figure out “the next best thing to do.” I’m sick of worrying about my health and making the best choices. I want them handed to me. I want to wake up one day and just be free of this. FREE. I layed on my bed and just cried – it felt so good just b/c so many emotions were being released, and I soon realized that I am better than this. I am better than this tears – my faith is stronger than these tears. God can still use me. I so badly want to know God’s will for me – that is my prayer. But why do I continually seek His will that may not be shown to me for years to come? I have to seek His will in the here and now. And what is that? I still don’t have a clue. I feel lost at times, but I sit here typing knowing that I am unique. Not many 26 year olds have heart issues that I know of, but God has allowed this for a reason and each day I have to wake up and accept the position that I am in.
I now have my stress test on November 11, to hopefully figure a little more about what’s going on. And the cool thing is that the doctor said that she wants to do a more indepth consultation afterwards to discuss everything that we’ve been thinking and to go over what her thoughts are. I’m just glad that we won’t have to wait for another week or so for the results and to go over everything. Hopefully then we will get answers. But it’s all in God’s timing!! He’s in control and I am not 🙂 Thank goodness!