While attending the True Woman Conference this past weekend, it gave me some time to process and think about the stage of life that God has me in. I find much enjoyment and calm in being able to just sit back for a second to think about life; like at a conference. I could think and reflect on where God has me, where I feel He is taking me, and how I REALLY feel about it.
For the most part, I am confident in God’s plan for me; except for one thing. And it’s my greatest fear:
That I will die from my heart failing, leaving behind Dan and Mazy.
I know that is such a morbid and raw thing to share, but when your life is a bit upended due to health issues, and even having a life-threatening situation happen in the hospital this past fall, it just brings life into perspective.
It’s easy to read that and think okay, don’t we all fear that? Indeed we probably do. But again, when you realize you have a condition that causes me to be a “high risk” for sudden cardiac arrest, it again, just puts this whole fear into perspective.
It’s not something that’s easy to talk about because sometimes sharing fears makes you really vulnerable. Not in the sense that it makes me wonder what people think of me, but vulnerable in the sense that when you put words to it and verbalize it, well, I open up the fears of my heart. But I also find freedom in being able to name the fears that we carry with us. And that is why I chose to share this.
And this is why I blog. And about the things I do. By sharing what is down in the depths of my heart, I know often in those times, there are others who have or who are walking the same journey.
By all means, there is no medical death sentence on my life. Yeah heart failure has no cure, but I really am okay! I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. But the point I’m trying to make is that I am human and walk with fears. What the truth is though, which is where I should always start, is the fact that everything is in GOD’S timing. My life and every heart beat is in HIS hands. What helps me keep perspective is that we ALL don’t know what God’s timing is and you know what? It’s just perfect. And it is for me NOT to worry about! As Dan reminded me today, God knows what he and Mazy will need to get through that time. Which is so true. That puts this mama’s heart at much ease. And of course, it all comes back to faith.
Also, my citizenship is not here on this earth – it is in Heaven. And I can confidently say I know where I am going and I hope you can say the same. That alone, offers much comfort! My heavenly Father cares and loves me so deeply and that is evidenced in the fact that He freely gives us eternal life. But until then, and it’ll be when I’m 90, because of God’s grace and through His power, I am going to try and…
- Treasure every moment with my family.
- Not try to take life too seriously.
- Pick my battles.
- Remember Who is in control.
- Take one day at a time.
- Be grateful every day.
- Share what God is doing in my life, in hopes that someone is encouraged in their faith journey.
- Build relationships and treasure the ones I have.
- Enjoy the little things in life.
- Take a deep breath.
I don’t know what the future holds but all I know is that this girl is going to live til she is 90 and above. Just watch! Even if I need a transplant someday, this girl’s got this because this girl serves a risen Savior who cares about every detail of my life. Enough of this morbid stuff…I’m going to go celebrate life and keep conquering this fear!
What is YOUR greatest fear in life? Have you ever named it? Have you ever verbalized it? If you want to share it, please do so! And if you don’t feel comfortable sharing it with the world, email me! There is much freedom in sharing what is the deepest in your heart. My friend, conquer those fears and the way to do that is give them to the One who has conquered them for you!