God continues to surprise me with opportunities to trust.
When I was laying in the back of the ambulance on my way back to Michigan, I had 2 1/2 hours to think about what was again, happening. Why again, God? What is your good, good purpose in this? Why did my LifeVest go off? As the tears came and I saw the familiar fade, I knew God, because of who He is, had a purpose in all of this.
If my LifeVest had not gone off, I would not have gone in, even though I haven’t been feeling great. I get winded so quickly. At the end of March this past year, I was jogging at cardiac rehab. I truly can’t even fathom doing that right now! Let alone even walk to the park that is 2 1/2 blocks away. Something isn’t right. I again wondered, is it just in my head? How can this really all be happening? I start to question myself honestly, but it all is true. The heart monitors this past weekend proved that something is wrong, and something has to be done.
The hard part is that laying in a hospital bed is not real life. Taking occasional walks, sleeping when needed, and sitting the rest of the time, that is not what my life looks like at home. So now that I am home, it is hard. Yesterday I finally called U of M, told them my symptoms, and they were ready to send me back to the ER. Not AGAIN! After I reminded them of the med change, trying to persuade otherwise, they are thinking/hopeful that the new dose is what is causing my symptoms.
Yesterday I went to the post office and I had walked 50 feet, but stood at the bottom of the stairs up to the building, wondering how I was going to get up them. I contemplated the wheelchair ramp; something is wrong! After a low blood pressure of 85/52 and a heart rate that was 112 while just living, I knew I had to call. They are hopeful that now switching WHEN I take the med, that it will make a difference. I am hopeful too. My body sometimes does not act well to new adjustments and it can take 3-4 days they say for it to go back to baseline after a change, so again, I am hopeful. And I’m going to trust that this is all part of the journey.
I go back on Friday for a hospital stay follow-up, so as long as I can make it until then, I should stay hospital-free. I never imagined being one that goes to the hospital this much. Sometimes it feels embarrassing and I feel so pathetic, but then I look at the heart monitor and am reminded why I am there. I am the oddest looking patient sitting up on the cardiac floors, as other patients look me up and down, wondering what’s wrong with me. On the other hand, nurses maybe enjoy having a 34 year old because I am pretty self-sufficient. They even showed me where to get my own snacks and water if I wanted, since it’s not my first rodeo! Feel free to laugh…not sure that’s all a good thing, since you don’t want a hospital to be a place you frequent often! I know I say this often, but I am under amazing care and of course it’d be nice to not have to drive to Ann Arbor, but I wouldn’t trade the care for anything!
As I started to research the possible procedures they are considering to help with my heart rhythm issues, I kept reading “international leaders” or “national leaders” in those areas. Not being your typical heart patient, I am thankful to be under the care of those who are that well-known for their experience and expertise!
And again, we are receiving the most amazing care at home! Our families are so incredibly helpful and our church family, WOW. God just knew what we needed and people are one phone call and one text away at any given point. It sure is humbling when you have to just accept the help and not be able to give back in return (yet).
Hearing Mazy praying daily that my heart gets better, makes me hopeful too, but may God’s will be done! She is such a sweet little nurse and boy does she keep my spirits high! This go around it’s hard not to get frustrated, as that is a daily choice too, but as time inches forward, I know I am one step closer to whatever God has in store for me in this journey of heart failure! God commands us to live one day at a time and so that I will try and do too. No need to get ahead of God, the holder of time, right?