Today was a day filled with anticipation, yet so much peace.
As we were on our drive to the cities, I found myself moving my legs around in the car, just trying to get comfortable. I looked at the clock what seemed like 20 times, yet my heart was completely calm. My nails maybe slightly shorter.
All in anticipation for my first heart appointment being pregnant.
My heart truly was at peace. Of all things in my body, right? This week I have really tried to keep my focus on the fact that God has brought us to this place in our lives for a reason. Still feeling so undeserving, yet feeling so strongly that this is God’s will – it only creates that sense of peace, knowing we can’t do this apart from God.
After we finally found the place (I have now been to 3 different clinics in the cities), we realized we walked into yet another children’s office. I had to chuckle as I saw the play telephone, kitchen set, and mini picnic table, as this is an all too familiar scene. Imagine a 30 year old walking into a children’s office with my husband and no child. How would you react? We get weird looks to say the least. Yet the staff I think welcomes adult conversation, so we always have a good time. I step into a room to get my vitals taken and there is a mobile hanging from the ceiling – I almost asked the nurse if I could play with it, but with her not knowing who I am, I didn’t want her to think I was crazy. So why a children’s office? Because my heart condition is deemed congenital, even though there are no genetic ties to my issue. That is just what it will forever be classified as. So, to the children’s offices I go – and yes, I am starting to get the hint that maybe I fit in them better than the adult ones anyways!
This appointment was really just a follow up. The last time I had seen this doctor, was the day we found out we could try and conceive. A day that brought so much joy and tears. That is why today, my heart was at peace – it was my mind, reminding me only of past years. Years filled with reports of more leaking. Although, I don’t feel any different. My heart still beats the same (I think), my body is telling me that everything is okay.
Yet my mind just needed the confirmation.
As I laid on the table for my echo (basically an ultrasound of the heart), God overwhelmed me with His presence. I wish I could explain to you in words, that feeling. As the technician heard our story, she obviously found out I was pregnant and right away chimed in and said “do you want to see the baby?” I about jumped off the table – the thought had occurred to me, but never would ask. She asked if “dad” was here and I said “oh yeah!” So after my heart ultrasound, she prepped for the baby ultrasound and…
Our hearts were filled to overflowing again. There was a small piece of me that wondered what we would see, as I am only 12 weeks along. But…
It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about what we saw today.
As she found the baby with her little probe (it’s smaller than a normal probe), the baby was INCREDIBLY active! So active that she had a hard time keeping it on the baby. The baby would curl up in a ball and then all of a sudden BURST, stretching, swinging arms and legs out, as we saw the mouth open wide, almost as if to say “I’M IN HERE!”
We saw the spine and the rib cage, clear as day, the facial features (though blurry), and the arms, elbows, legs, and knees – parts of the body we couldn’t decipher before. All inside this body of mine.
Then the heartbeat. She had no idea that we hadn’t heard the heartbeat yet because the baby was too small before, but she turned on the sound and we both realized that our baby’s heart was music to our ears and even more so, to OUR hearts. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. To me it was perfect. My heart a little physically broken, but our baby’s, in perfect rhythm.
Again, just one step closer. I wish we had pictures to show, but it’s the images in our minds and now our hearts, that continue building the confidence in God’s plan for our life.
And, as for my heart. My oxygen, blood pressure, and heart look amazing. All glory to God, as He sustains every part of my heart. Yes, I still have some leakage, but it is not increasing. I am not swelling so far, my blood pressure is low, and I feel great. We have my doctor’s blessing until next February, when I have to see her again. What relief. Not that we anticipated anything different, but this is a high-risk pregnancy, so any confirmation of my body adjusting to the million changes inside, yet my heart staying the same, is confirmation that this is still God’s will for our life. We walked out of that office with a little extra pep in our step – reminded yet again, that we serve a miraculous God. That miracle has not diminished in our eyes – God only increases the beauty of it, as we see our growing baby – a pure gift from God.
The only things I have to watch out for is swelling, ensuring my blood pressure doesn’t go over 140/90, any shortness of breath, my heart racing, or anything that doesn’t seem “right”. Otherwise, I can continue to exercise and continue to live the life I live. What a blessing. I went from almost needing another open heart surgery to being pregnant and everything going well so far. Humbled.
My heart was so filled with peace and excitement, that when they asked me about my next appointment, I told them I might have a basketball game. Both nurses paused, looked at me, and said “you’re playing basketball? At 30 weeks?” I quickly corrected them and said “COACHING basketball.” We all started laughing and then joked about what it would look like to watch an over 30 year old pregnant woman playing basketball and taking charges. Again, an office that is used to children – after today I may be classified as one too, but that’s okay with me.
Today, we just know that God has carried us one step closer. One step closer to our heart’s desire to have our own child. One step closer to meeting our miracle. One step that God has carried us under His wing in our faith journey.