I feel like I am finally accepting what is happening in our life. Last night (even though yesterday I said it was a good day) I had a major meltdown. Probably the worst one yet, but at the same time, it was so good. Dan and I talked through A LOT and MANY tears fell, but I figure if I don’t deal with it now, it’ll all come out later and it’ll be even uglier :). Today, even though I was less busy than yesterday, I feel like it didn’t consume my mind and it felt so good! I feel that was God’s way of giving me peace. I need to find peace in who I am, who God made me to be, and who God wants me to be. Last night I questioned God if He saw how much I was hurting – I KNEW He did, but I wasn’t allowing Him to comfort me. I was frustrated.
At this point, I don’t even want kids. To me, that is the least of my worries. I shock myself in saying that b/c kids is why we even started this whole process. I guess it has taken me on a different road – one I didn’t expect. But sincerely I say that kids aren’t my worries – it’s making sure that I am healthy. I don’t want to have to go through this every year – I’m hoping God has many more years for me :). I know I will always have a heart problem, but if we can solve some of the issues now, hopefully I can go on and live a “normal Kristin” life.
We went to a high school football game and I saw some of our youth group kids and those are the kids I LOVE. I don’t have to have one of my own to love. When I hear them yell our names and wave, see us from afar and smile and fist pump, I feel those are my kids in my heart. Our kids are doing things that make me so proud – like a parent. I feel content. I PRAY that that feeling continues. I always look forward to the next event, next youth group meeting – b/c I get to see MY KIDS. Now I know I wrote about “our kids” in previous posts – I think recently I have forgotten about what God has truly blessed us with. And why it took me all week to figure that out? Who knows. I think God had us deal with some things this week for a reason, to make us stronger. And that has definitely happened. Do I ever want to go through that again? No 🙂 – but I’m sure we will.
So, I write this post with peace. PEACE. Yes we still have a TON of questions, and I’m sure I’ll have bad days again. God saw those tears and brokenness yesterday, even when I didn’t think He did. But praise God that today was peace and my comfort today :)!