I feel like today is the epitomy of Dutch shopping! Trying to find the best deals and doing whatever it takes to get them. It was a great day of shopping with family, though we waited til about 7:30am to brave the crowds (me and my mom that is). We met up with my sister and we were able to find some good ole deals. It felt good to get a lot of Christmas shopping done too!
Alongside this Thanksgiving weekend, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. First, today my parents and I were talking about black Friday and how we live in such a materialistic world. I see that working at a bookstore! I absolutely was so blessed to have my parents raise me the way they did. They taught me to not take things for granted (though I sometimes do). I look at how my grandparents lived – everything was considered a blessing. I want to live that way – that everything the Sterks have is a blessing – and how are we using what we have, to bless others? Just some food for thought for myself.
I was blessed to have Dan with me for Thanksgiving (though he is technically still deer hunting). We had some amazing talks…and as hard as it is to be away from him sometimes, our conversations when we were together yesterday were meaning and very heartfelt. I told him I am going to struggle with holidays. And I realize I do. Yesterday was hard. We are at the stage in our life where people just have kids. There is no getting around that. So we come to family gatherings and that’s what the conversations are about. That’s what they revolve around. Is that a problem? No, by all means it is not. People talk about what is going on in their life stages and that’s where they are all at. But for people who aren’t in that stage, it’s really tough. We almost felt out of the loop just b/c we didn’t have anything to chime in with – in fact we have quite the opposite. I almost find myself wanting to shy away from it all b/c it still hurts. I had a hard time saying goodbye to Dan last night b/c there was a lot of pain – tears that needed to fall. I didn’t want to let go of the one “constant” in my life.
While lying in bed last night I kept thinking about family and the get togethers we had. I am so blessed to have people just give me a hug – not having to really say much, but that they are just praying for us. I can’t tell you HOW MUCH that means. To receive hugs last night of just pure love and compassion, made my night. I wish I could say that we have moved on, but we haven’t. It’s still at the complete forefront of our life yet, so for people to continue to say they are praying, means more than I can ever express. I am blessed to have immediate and extended family who care so deeply. It’s been so nice to stay at my parents, leave some of the worries in St. Joe, and just be up here with what is still very familiar.
One more thing…Dan and I had a little bit of a drive yesterday to just talk. One of the things that has been on both of our hearts, is the thought of adoption. We don’t talk about it everyday, just because we aren’t ready to, but also for this reason: we feel God taking away the passion and desire to be parents. It hurts me incredibly to say that, but that is the truth. We try to explain that to people, but it probably just comes off as sounding selfish. But that is truly what we are feeling – maybe it’s grief yet, maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s really God’s desire for us. I have to wonder WHY. WHY? I don’t know. I wish I could give an answer and account for it, but I can’t. Dan and I were both saying that we feel God leading us away from that – and it hurts, but at the same time, there is a certain peace about it too, b/c maybe that’s where God wants our hearts to be. So then, what is instore for us? Only God knows b/c we sure don’t!
This is a rather random post, but I feel I needed to share some of those thoughts. Some of them are hard to understand and you may think what? Really? Well, I don’t know the answers either, but I do know that once again, God does. He knows and that is what we are holding on to. Once again, God has written His OWN story for us, and we are realizing daily that it is very different from what we first expected and from what the “normal” is. We pray God continue to reveal that story to us…