This afternoon I had about a hour to sit and read. I picked up the book “When the Womb is Empty” again…though I once again hesitated. I felt that today I wasn’t on the brink of tears at any given time, so this may be a good time to read it, and it was. Here are a few things that stood out to me:
1. “God always answers prayer, but the answer is sometimes, yes; sometimes no; but most often, He says wait. God cannot always reveal His will to us at the moment we pray because we would not comprehend all His ways.”
– that is exactly how I feel – not comprehending. What is He making us wait for? Or is it a direct no? We truly feel He is saying “no” to kids, but He hasn’t revealed to us what the next step is – that is the “wait.” And that wait has been so hard. I just WANT TO KNOW. I haven’t “known” since I had my surgery almost 10 years ago. But I suppose if I’ve waited 10 years, I can wait more. But I think that statment is true that Dan and I would not comprehend His ways if He told us why.
2. Are we meant to be childfree? “God has a special calling on each person and family – maybe a ministry calling will be best accomplished if there are no children in your home….God assigns lifestyles so we may most effectively serve the cause of His kingdom and walk in abundant life…God calls some to give up the right to have children, allowing Him to fulfill His purpose in their lives.”
– Yikes. Is that what He is calling us to? That makes me sad. But we don’t know. After I read those little tidbits, I actually started to have hope. Hope that there IS something better out there for us. We are already in ministry – sometimes we can’t imagine having a kid b/c we’d have to kick our youth group kids out of our house at earlier hours. It’s a blessing to have a house that can just be open to youth coming over without having our own children tie us down. Maybe we have to give up that right…and TRUST that’s His calling. Then I sit and question, how do we KNOW? Wait, Kristin, just wait.
3. “Tears bring healing; no wonder God made us with tear ducts. Whenever we experience grief, we need to go ahead and cry. We need to allow ourselves to feel the pain. The only way to deal with grief is to walk through it. “
– it was a relief to read that. I truly feel I am grieving. It’s still hard for me to say that b/c I have nothing tangible to say goodbye to. It’s all inside and I think that’s why it makes it so hard. There really is no closure, except the closure that healing will eventually bring. Ironically, when I was 1 (ish) my tear duct broke and they had to repair it – many of my baby pics are of me with a teary eye. I look back and think – good thing they fixed that sucker b/c I’ve needed it! I need to let myself feel the pain and walk in it – not put it aside, but truly deal with it. Everyday I’m learning more about what that looks like, but relief from grief will come. I sometimes wonder if I’m losing my trust in God if I cry, but I know crying doesn’t mean that – it’s an outward expression of the pain going on inside. Jesus even wept. At the same time, He didn’t give up hope or trust and that’s what I need to make sure I don’t do – give up my trust in God!