The past few weeks have been a bit of a new journey for us, though they shouldn’t have come by surprise.
As Dan and I have been busy going through our items, taking things off walls we no longer need, purging of toys when Mazy is not around, we thought we were safe. We didn’t think about the very impact that would have on our own daughter.
I will immediately raise my hand and proclaim naiveness here. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I first of all sometimes have no clue what I am doing as a parent. It’s by God’s grace that I get to wake up and be a mom every day. But then the challenge of having a child that has a tendency towards anxiety, in the midst of a big change coming ahead, I all the more do not have an idea of how to deal with that, except to just LOVE.
P.S. I know millions of people move with children every year. I am not at a loss, by all means, because we feel we are doing the best we can, but if you have ANY advice for a mama who wonders what to expect when it comes to moving with a toddler, I am all ears.
Okay, now that I have that confession out of the way, I am realizing that this big change has effected Mazy way more than I expected. At Mazy’s 2 year check up, I told my doctor (she’s AMAZING), that we were moving and she said “well, just so you know, Mazy will probably struggle a bit with separation and if it’s bad now, it will only escalate.” I told her it was increasing and she couldn’t be more right!
I know this is no new news, but Mazy has struggled to sleep recently. She has not wanted to go to bed, which is completely normal for a toddler (and for Mazy), but there are moments when she gets into a complete panic. We know when she just doesn’t want to sleep. That’s a different cry, we can let her go for awhile and she eventually caves. Then there is this “other” cry, that just breaks my heart. It’s a cry that screams “Mommy, are you going to leave me forever?”
It brings tears to my eyes. Call me a softy, but when that happens, I open her door and immediately tell her I love her. As I pick her up, her head nuzzles into my neck and she wraps her arms around me. Her face soaked with tears as I wipe them away and as quickly as I do, she is fast asleep, knowing she is safe, resting in my arms.
As I just held her the other night, as she had one of those episodes, God brought my mind and heart to HIS purpose at that moment – to realize He calls me to do the same. Sometimes I cry and cry to everyone else, and bear this unneeded stress, when all I need to do, is call out to Him and He will answer. And when I allow myself to, I can rest in His arms, fall fast in peace, and realize He will never let me go.
God has given me that same mission as a mom.
When my child seems to be in despair, He has given me the gift of arms to hold my hurting and anxious child. He has given me words that calm her spirit and mind. The other day, I took down her headband holder that I had made because it was broken and we no longer needed it. It has bothered her ever since. She looks at the wall and says “uh-oh, gone?” I tell her we are moving to Michigan, and even though she can repeat that to us, she is confused.
She sees boxes. She sees mommy and daddy putting things on a garage sale. She can see and hear it all. And when I realize that the safest place for her is in my arms, I can’t help but hold her just a little closer.
We have our up and down nights, and even though many nights are a battle, it’s that one cry that just melts this mama’s heart. That one cry that calls for a need to rest in my arms. The same tears that I cry when I need my heavenly Father – tears that draw me into HIS everlasting arms. Arms that welcome me in, with no hesitation.
I pray I have the patience and understanding to do the same.