This past weekend (thus far) has been AMAZING! We went up to see my parents as mentioned before and had such a relaxing time and just good quality time with family. We hadn’t seen them since Christmas, so it was nice!
We also were able to run a few errands at the mall in Grandville – for those who live close enough to go to it, please don’t take that place for granted :). We have a “mall” but it’s worse than the Holland mall – the only store I go to is JoAnns. So when we were there, it just seemed so HUGE (though I had gone to that mall for many years!). It was kind of overwhelming actually because I forgot how huge it is :).
Anyways, on the way there, Dan and I just poured out our hearts to each other. With my appointment coming up soon, we talked about where we are at. I hesitated whether to share all this, but I decided to only because it will lessen confusion on our decisions so far and also give clarity to where God has led us. Dan started off saying that as the weeks and months go by, it’s becoming more and more clear that God is taking that desire away for our own kids. He said he can’t explain it, but it’s God’s doing. And how do you explain that to someone? I said that it’s so incredibly hard to say that b/c I feel I am “giving up” something that I thought I wanted so badly. It’s still hard. But God is giving us BOTH the same feelings. Dan said how he wishes God would write us a letter or “send” us a to-do list on how our life is going to go. But that isn’t God. Dan put it well – we have to allow the doors that He has closed and opened, to be closed and opened and just trust that He will lead us through the right ones. He said we HAVE to be OPEN to what God is doing. I so agree. We may not like it, but we have to accept it. Dan’s fear is my fear as well – that the doctors will tell us yes, BUT. That’s our fear – that brings us back to right where we started. We will not risk my life. We were talking about how God has led us up to this point and how where He has us totally makes sense – it’s just this one doctor’s appt. yet that is still leaving us hanging. We are ready to close this “chapter” though we know it may never be “closed.” We are ready to move on and accept the life God has given us.
Our biggest confusion will come if God has us hear “yes, BUT.” We will be frustrated and we have prepared ourselves for that. But like Dan said, we need to live our life with doors open and accept the ones that are closed. Who knows what we will hear from the docs on the recommendations from Mayo Clinic. All we have to do is trust that God is SOVEREIGN in this and be thankful that we aren’t!
You may question why we feel the way we do, but we are just trusting God with what He has put on our hearts. Is that trust easy? By ALL means no! But as much as you may wonder what God is doing, we are too and we daily strive to figure out what this all means. I know many have “suggestions” for us on how to “fix” the issues, but we feel with what we are doing, this is right. Please join us in praising God that He has led us this far, has NEVER let us go, and praise Him that He has a perfect plan for us!