I just want to see the whole puzzle come together.
Have you ever felt that way? But God is saying, hold on my child, just wait?
This past week hasn’t gone as expected, having landed at U of M again, though thankfully our wheels stayed on the ground this time. In a way it came as no surprise to me, since I knew something wasn’t right. I shouldn’t feel so off, being 3 weeks home from the hospital. Though then again, after doing some research, I’ve learned having two surgeries in such a short amount of time isn’t necessarily common either. As I am always told, “Kristin, we just aren’t sure…”
Hard words to hear. I am an answers and fix it person. I want to see it all come together. I want to see the door close on one chapter and the next one open. I am a beginning and ends type of girl. You’d think that after dealing with heart issues knowingly, for 17 years now, that I’d be getting the hang of this prolonged idea and not the easy beginning and end mindset. Oh I’ve got a long ways to go…
Over the past few weeks, I have struggled and wrestled with flashbacks. It is part of the mental and emotional process that I never expected to deal with. PTSD wasn’t for me. Or so I thought. In the hospital, the 4 letters PTSD had been told to me, but that was for those who went through more difficult situations. No way would I ever have that. Not in a million years.
Well, if I am honest with myself, I admit, I am now that person. Though in a strange way, this past week was somewhat healing for me mentally and emotionally too. I showed back up on the floor where I struggled. Where pain overtook me at times. Where tears fell, as I wondered what just happened to me? Being able to sit in a hospital bed, on the very floor I found myself 3 weeks ago, so broken in many ways, I now sat healing. I thought I was going to the hospital to heal physically. Not emotionally and mentally too.
Nurses recognized us, saw my name on the care sheet, and stopped in. Of course the first words out of their mouths were “WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK?” From PAs down to the nurse techs to the medical imagers. It was a strange reunion, but one that taught me to just surrender my control.
On the way into the hospital, we drove past the helicopter landing pad. All those thoughts came rushing back, as fast as those blades were spinning that day I flew in. I chose to let it just be the place where I landed for help, instead of the place where my physical life went downward, allowing my emotions to spiral too. It was a moment where I would not let the flashbacks overtake, but surrender the control to God.
Much like a helicopter blows you back as it powers up (or so I’m told by my husband), I have been blown away by how God has used details of my life, to help me piece together this puzzle. I so badly want all the edges done so I can neatly put together the middle. But God knows I need a whole lot of edge work done before I can even THINK about starting on the middle! (That’s just how I do my puzzles).
Yet God continually teaches me that surrendering my life to Him IS worth it, even when events don’t always make sense. I didn’t even fully know why I was heading back to U of M this week – which ailment were they mainly addressing? I had a laundry list. Thankfully, after a few med changes, I am feeling SO much better! Why go all the way there for a simple med change? They wanted to rule out an infection through multiple tests, I could be hooked up to a heart monitor for a long period of time where patterns could be found, which I do have some extra beats in my heart, which they have now addressed with medication, in hopes that it decreases their frequency. It was worth it. Plus, I haven’t had a night sweat since being home, which is huge. Or a fever.
It makes sense. I just have to keep surrendering, even when I don’t understand the circumstances.
Much easier said than done!