As Mazy and I were coloring, Mazy asked me when I was going to have a baby.
She has asked this question before and normally I could easily sidetrack her by saying, “Mommy can’t have any more babies” and change the subject. This time though, she kept pressing.
I had to tell her the truth.
That mommy’s heart will not be healthy enough and that she is our precious baby. But then this precious child told me that God could heal my heart and THEN I could have babies.
I just lost it.
I got up from coloring with her, walked away pretending I had to go do something else, but there was no pretending. There was no moving past this quickly. There was no pushing aside the inevitable. How do I tell my sweet daughter that she will not have a brother or sister like her cousins do? How do I help this innocent little girl understand the hurts and pains of this world, in the light of what God HAS given us?
I walked into her room as she followed and with tears flowing, I told her that God has different plans for mommy and that her cousins and friends are like her siblings. I wanted to bring up our twins in Heaven, whom she is well aware of, but nothing can prepare you for that moment when you have to open up the wounds of your own heart and tell your child who so badly wants a sibling, that it won’t happen?
Mommy is too sick. Mommy’s health is already in jeopardy. Then at night, Mazy said her prayers and these words came out…
“God please heal mommy’s heart so that she can have babies and I can have a sister.” I can’t help but ask God, why? I know deep down that God has something good in this. That the hurt I have for her will subside, but my heart just aches for her. Tears fall because I can’t give her what HER heart desires.
After she said Amen, she looked me in the eyes and repeats, “Mommy, I asked God to heal your heart so you can have babies.” I felt like this jab in the stomach that kept digging in and digging in. The day was enough in and of itself, just dealing with the happenings of another appointment and what that all entails. It felt like too much.
I kindly stroked the hair out of her face and told her that she has baby cousins on the way (my younger sister is having twins!!) and they could be like her brother and sister! It was like I told her she was getting a puppy. It was sufficient. It was enough. For the moment.
And that’s when I caught myself singing “I Could Sing Of Your Love Forever” to her…and do I TRULY believe that God’s love and grace are sufficient? Enough? For each and every moment? It’s hard to know what the future holds, but we do know who holds the future.
Telling Mazy the truth, breaking that news to her, and trying to help her understand what mommy’s heart issues mean, still gets me very emotional. No 3 year old should have to wrestle with that, but then the bigger picture comes into focus. It isn’t about my heart. It’s about teaching her faith and belief in the One who helps us get through those times when the answers are not easy. When answers can’t be found or understood. God IS enough and if I can teach her one thing, I hope it is that – that Christ’s sacrifice on the cross IS enough.
This wasn’t the first conversation about this and it won’t be the last. But one thing I learned is that God presents us with teachable moments with our kids, and they end up being one for us too.
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