Those words, etched in our faith.
May 11, 2014.
A day that is part of the story; written by the very hand of God.
The past few weeks, I have been thinking and reflecting on the journey God has had us on. This journey to another opportunity to have our own biological child. It was on that day in May, when I didn’t really feel like going to a mission trip reunion – a mission trip Dan went on, but I did not. 5 minutes before he left, I decided to tag along. It was that nudge from God, saying “go”. What I should’ve realized is that it was a nudge from God saying “you have no idea what I have in store for you.”
We do not know when God healed my heart. Was it that day in May when we were surrounded by the elders and pastor of the church, anointed with oil, covered in prayer? We do not know. But what we do know, is that our pastor prayed that night, as we all sat in a circle, praying that my heart would be healed (before my next heart appointment that Thursday) at “this time next year, we would have a child.”
I admittedly say that when I heard those words, I didn’t have the faith to believe that those words would be true. That really, God would heal my heart enough so that I could carry a child. At that moment, I didn’t feel any different physically. What I felt though, was the love of my brothers in Christ, lifting us up in prayer, dreaming the same dreams we had. Seeking and desiring hope – a hope that we had somewhat given up on. We felt we just couldn’t put our hope in the possibility. I confess I doubted God. Not that He couldn’t, but that He would choose not to. I had seen Him do miraculous things all around me, but in my heart, I just didn’t think that it would happen to me.
At this time next year…
We truly felt God had brought us to a place of healing, of acceptance, and almost “comfort” knowing that biological children just were not in our future. We had accepted that reality and we were ready to move forward. We went to Florida about a month before, and it in a way was a trip that helped us take a deep breath and just realize that this is our life – life with just Dan and Kristin. Again, we were just ready to move on. In fact, Dan did a whole youth group lesson on that idea of moving forward – Psalm 37:4 where it says “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” All we wanted was to just do God’s will and however that looked, we wanted to do it. If it meant no earthly biological children, then so be it – we accepted it.
But God had a different idea. He knew, “at this time next year…” that He would fulfill and answer that prayer. I am so thankful He gave those words to our pastor that night – they were literally life-changing! I still find myself in awe and just sheer amazement at what God did to my heart – let alone create within me, LIFE. Not only is my heart healed enough to carry, but I AM carrying. This is a gift that we continue to unwrap and do so with humbleness. And we continue to eagerly await to see what our life will look like “at this time next year…”
Needless to say, May 11 will be another day etched into our hearts and another day that has impacted and increased our faith. I wish I could say that we have walked this path free from doubt, but we know that faith is created in the unseen. And we wait in faith, to see what God has in store for us in the next few weeks, months, and years!
To GOD be the glory!