The roller coaster. I feel like I’m on it today. Church sometimes can be such a positive experience, but at times, especially recently, it becomes a reminder of everything that we are going through. For example, and I know this may sound strange, but there was a children’s message and for some reason all the emotions came back. I saw these little kids go running up to the front and I think -we may not have that. I see them looking at their parents and waving – we may not have that. I see the innocence in their faith – I want that child-like faith. Looking at little kids has just made it so hard since we found out. EVERY TIME I see one, the thought comes back. EVERYTIME. I can’t hide it, I can’t stop it, I can’t control it. It’s just plain there. But I know that feeling will subside. I think it comes out b/c I worry. I worry that if God doesn’t give us our own, is He calling us to any? We don’t feel that calling and I don’t understand why. I still can’t explain why we don’t have that feeling AND, just b/c we don’t feel it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It GRIEVES me to think that. Why us? BUT…
I am trying to get through the book “Plan B” (I’ve referenced it before). It’s been hard for me to get through b/c every single time I open it and read a little bit, tears fall, so sometimes I just need to be ready to do that. Sometimes I don’t feel like crying so I don’t read it. But tears fall b/c it’s helping me in the grieving process. There was one part in there that I read yesterday that really hit me.
– The author says…”I’ve noticed that even those of us who have trusted our heavenly Father with our eternities often have a tough time trusting him with our tomorrows.”
Yikes. That is me. I know where I’m going when I die and that is to be with my heavenly Father, my Creator, my Sustainer. But I do struggle with completely trusting God to be my sustainer in my tomorrows. It’s because it feels like my tomorrows are in chaos. My tomorrows (that are now in the past) are not what I was thinking they were going to be. But it’s because I have fear. I have fear that my tomorrows will have more “bad news” for us. And yet I cling to one of my most favorite verses in the Bible, the worry passage – Matthew 6:25-33. It’s CRAZY to think I trust God with my eternity, but not a simple 24 hours. Mind-boggling.
As I enter a new week, I know there will be struggles – we are in quite a few of them right now. But I look towards what He has in store for us. In an hour our youth group kids are coming to our house to hang out – they are the gift God has given us to help fill that void. God blessed us with them. No need to worry about tomorrow Kristin b/c God has blessed me today!