Have you ever done something and felt like you gave it your all? You gave every ounce of your energy, your brain is completely fried, your body is screaming because it can barely pick itself up off of a chair, and like I said, you literally have nothing left?
When Mazy turned 18 months old, for some reason that milestone made me sit back for a minute and just think about where we had been and where we were heading. I sat back and wondered…
Do I have any regrets?
Do I wish I loved her more? Do I wish I was less frustrated during difficult times? Do I wish I spent more time with her? Do I wish…(you fill in the blank).
As I sat there and reflected on some of those questions, I truly could say I did not have any regrets.
But the one thing I do remember feeling was having moments where I felt I had nothing left.
I look back on some of those early days after she was born and now wonder how I even got through them – what mom doesn’t? I felt incredibly sick, I had zip-o energy, and a baby who cried in my arms for hours on end. I would send Dan pleading texts saying I don’t know what to do, and though his first reaction was to try and fix the problem, nothing could fix it. I was just a hot mess.
Yet when I felt I had nothing left, there was always ONE thing I always had. And to this day, it still brings tears to my eyes.
I always had my faith.
It was the ONE thing no one could ever take away from me. In those lonely and trial-some days, the one thing I do remember the most is crying out to God. Literally. And it was in those moments, that He reached down His hand, rubbed MY back, rubbed MY cheek, and told me everything was going to be okay.
I never heard an audible voice from God during those times, but when I candidly conversed with him as both my baby and myself were in tears, He gently filled my mind with words of “it’s going to be okay, Kristin.” “I know exactly what you are going through.” “This too, shall pass.” “I will never let you go.”
I can honestly say, I do not look back on those days with regret. I do not look back on those days with sorrow. I do not look back on those days, wishing things were different. Yes, those days were hard. The first year I felt was hard (but what mom doesn’t think that?) Yes, during the moment I envied those who had sleeping and content children, but the one thing I gained from all of it, was a faith that held me together and still holds me together to this day.
God knew I needed a faith tester. God had this vision (that I just couldn’t see at the time), of growing my faith and love for a child, that I never knew I had. A love grew so deep within me for a little human being, that stole every bit of my heart (and still does to this day). I look at her and wonder “how undeserving I feel to have a sweet little girl like Mazy.”
Every parent and yes, I can probably safely say EVERY PARENT has reached that moment when you wonder “do I have anything left?”
When those days come, remember that one thing that no one can ever snatch from under you – your faith. It may feel weak. You may not have time to sit down and read chapters in your Bible. You may even fall asleep praying (I totally have fallen asleep talking to God at 2 in the morning). But what better place to fall asleep, than in the presence of God? What better place to fall asleep than talking to the one who has been there? Who knows every little detail? Who knows my heart?
Don’t give up. The troubles of this day will be a springboard for your faith in the future. When you remember that it’s your faith that will keep you going, when those trials come, God will not disappoint.
So to all those mamas out there who feel you have nothing left. Remember that one thing you do and always will have…