I Am Not What I Once Was

At our church service Sunday night, the pastor read through the changes our church had experienced. Loss of life, yet also bringing about of new life too. It created a mental picture in my head of how God is constantly in the business of redeeming His creation, through each one of us. Each one of us has a purpose. We were all born with a purpose. And as such, we will die with a purpose too. A birth, we can expect to some degree, but as for dying, well, we all know that is a bit more unknown.

In thinking about this upcoming year, I find I am fighting my own self. I want to keep telling myself that it will be a year of health and bliss, but truthfully speaking, I wouldn’t trade what happened two months ago, for anything.

For you see, I am not what I once was. And neither are you.

If God gave me a re-do, I wouldn’t take it. I would allow all the events to take place as He designed them. In the moment when I told Dan I just couldn’t do it anymore (do one more test, go through one more bout of pain), it was in those moments, my mind went to God. When the nurse told me they had done all they could do to help mask the pain my body was screaming with, I finally said “God, you have to take this away.” And He did. Time and time again.

It’s not only the pain I remember, but the utter need and dependence that the whole ordeal required of both Dan and I. And our families. And friends. That dependence is something that I find myself being comforted in, time and time again. A dependence that we simply cannot live without.

For 34 years of my life, I have tried to get through life on my own. I do it over and over again. And for the next how many years, I will continue to try to in my own human and natural-bent ways. But they have gotten me no where, except frustrated, angered, and broken. It’s this year though, a year I want to be marked with an utter dependence on God. A trusting and looking up at my Father, that holds no bounds. A freedom to just accept what was, what is, and what is to come.

The hardest question I have to answer right now is: “After surgery, you must be good to go, right?” A question that makes sense, in every form. You have surgery to get better. There would be no other reason for it. Though the answer I have to give is that well, my heart function is not normal. When I was told that on December 20, I just took it at face value. Okay, fine! Been there, done that. But the more I let that sink in and what that would mean, it meant to me that even after two open hearts in 2 1/2 weeks, my heart still is not “better.” How can this be?

God has a different plan. And absolutely my heart function can return to normal. No doubt about that. But has there been too much damage done over the past while? Maybe. And we will not know what the future holds until we encounter it. Like I said before, I’d love to say this year will be a year of health and bliss, but we do not know what God has in store. If you would’ve told me in January 2017 that I would have heart failure and two surgeries, I would’ve told you no way and probably would’ve ran the other way, trying to escape it all. There’s a reason why God holds secret the plans of His at times!

But regardless, the one thing that does hold true in the uncertainty of this next year, is that I am not what I once was, thanks to God’s unconditional love. I am being renewed and redeemed. And so are you. We all do not have a CLUE what the next year will bring. And ya know what? That’s okay. It’s not a year to be lived in fear, but one of being drawn into that trust and dependence on God when times are uncertain. It brings about a supernatural freedom and peace. Before, I was not as dependent as I am now, on my Savior.

And that is why I am so thankful I am not who I once was. Even two months ago.

Whatever changes, trials, and triumphs may come your way this year, remember that God is in the business of redeeming the darkness. Redeeming the old. Redeeming the once was. Redeeming what is to come. He is making ALL THINGS NEW.

And we have a front row seat in that process, if we allow ourselves access to that trust and dependence on Him! Now that’s a God worth trusting!