When It’s Always There

Scars cover my body. Some are pretty visible, some, not so much. Some are almost a foot long, some just a little mark. I’m sure many of you can relate. Some of your scars you carry deep down in your heart and in your mind. Scars that many don’t even know you have.

One of the things I always try to do is be as honest as I can, on this side of the computer. Of course there is a time and place to talk about my deepest emotions, but as I work on being more and more vulnerable, so that you can see me for who I am – I’m still a work in progress!

In being honest, it’s not only being honest with you – but being honest with myself. You’ve heard me talk a lot about this past surgery and in the grand scheme of things, it really wasn’t “that” big of a deal. But that was the problem. Each journey has it’s own lessons. 

And the thing I’m struggling with the most, even more than trying to combat the pain, is the fact that I have two more decent-sized scars and now a small bulge in my back, that I will have the rest of my life. I’m torn. I’m SO humbled that God would give humans the minds to create a device like this. It will save my life and the probability of me dying from cardiac arrest, has been significantly lowered. On the other hand, it’s hard to see my body at times with so many scars.

I’m a huge believer in the fact that our bodies, though only a part of this earth, tell a story. And never once has Dan wondered about them, but has only encouraged and given me confidence to believe in who God has made me to be. He makes me feel beautiful. I just have to always believe it myself. To see what surgeries have done to my body, is not easy. When I get ready in the morning, I see these scars – some are very fresh, ugly, bruised, and rough. Others are pretty faint. But they tell a deeper story.

That is what I have to keep believing – that God is telling this crazy story to MYSELF, through them. Each scar, proves His faithfulness. Each scar, proves His protection over what could’ve been, without that procedure. Each scar, makes my heart in a way, more full.

For when you go through difficult times in life, when you hit the valleys, it’s then that you experience the fullness of what Christ has to offer in who He is. 

But it’s not easy. It’s not easy to see scar after scar. Scar over scar. Have pain because scars and devices are where surgeons have already been. But I know one day, hopefully not til I’m 92 (at least…), that this body will be left behind, and I will be given new life, in multiple ways, when I enter the gates of Heaven. 

Our lives are SO much more than our scars – both physical and emotional. And again, I’m not just talking about physical scars. But that is something I constantly wrestle with myself. What scars do you carry in your own life? How do you deal with them? How do you view them? 

The lesson I’m teaching myself – God’s plan is so much bigger than them! Keep believing that – and I will try too.