Glancing Back While Eagerly Looking Forward

The end of another year. 2019.

When I was a kid, I used to think about what my life would look like when I was 15, 20, 30, etc. Here I now sit, at the ripe ole age of 36, trying to remember in detail, what I envisioned my life looking like. I’d like to blame my surgeries for killing off my memory, but it sure isn’t what it once was – though let’s be honest, it’s probably just my age! But in the process of thinking back over the past year, I can’t help but eagerly look forward to what God’s plans are in 2020.

This past year consisted of some heart struggles right from the get-go. I started early in the year with appointments and having to meet with a dietician. A short month later, I had surgery to implant an ICD in my side/back. It was a slower recovery than I expected, but a foreign object placed into my body and I just had to get used to it. Then 2 months after that, I had an ablation done, which ended up proving unsuccessful. The summer was a bit up and down, and by August, I was struggling. I was hospitalized to be put on another anti-arrhythmia medication, but I experienced some pretty significant side effects from it and could no longer endure them. It was a rough go after that, with ER visits and appointments, and by the beginning of October, I was so short of breath that I could no longer continue to do my daily activities. That led me to being admitted for a week at the U of M hospital and due to the significant number of extra beats I was having, I needed to have yet another ablation. Meanwhile, this whole time there was talk of me being put on “the list” for a heart transplant. As of late, we feel the last ablation did work somewhat, though we have to wait a bit longer to see if the heart has more healing to do.

I end this year somewhat surprised at where I am heart-wise. I had envisioned things going a bit smoother than they have, but when in life do things go as planned? I am thankful I am not on the transplant list yet, but I can get weary from it all at times. It’s a lot to process, comprehend, and work through each and every day. Knowing I have a disease that has no cure, every day can be a fight. But in all of this, God has always provided. Beyond measure. He is continually providing just what we need for the day and for that, it has only increased my thankfulness and contentment in Him. And that is none of my own doing, but all because of Him.

We were able to also enjoy some great times as a family. Family vacations are always something to look forward to! We also visited friends from Minnesota, in Wisconsin for a weekend. For our mission trip this year, we headed to Alaska, which as always, is such a life-changing trip! This summer we also spent an incredible amount of time around our pool as a family. God knew the type of life we would live and that we wouldn’t be able to go to far off places due to my health, so he provided an oasis right in our backyard. I have shed tears, laughed til I cried, and have been able to just BE, right in our own yard. And most of all, just be with my family. What a gift it has been! Something we do not deserve, but a gift God continues to bless us with. Not to mention, it’s been a great gathering place for our youth group kids as well!

I’ve already hit on this, but I can’t talk about 2019, without talking about God’s faithfulness. My friends, God’s goodness is everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Sometimes it’s blatant, other times we have to take a step back to see it. But it is ALWAYS there. There is always something to be thankful for. One of my favorite songs this past year has been by Tauren Wells, “God’s Not Done With You.” I’m very passionate about the fact that we ALL have a story to tell and until God calls us home, he’s not done with us!

This past year, I’ve had the humbled privilege of doing various speaking engagements around the area about the story God is writing for my life. It’s a story I NEVER imagined for my life, but my one prayer is that in all of it, God would be glorified and people would trust God more through it. I desire so deeply for others to trust this God who is all-loving, all-knowing, and all-powerful. He is worth every ounce of your trust. And I just want EVERYONE to know this Christ not only died for me, but has given me life! ETERNAL life. My earthly life may be masked with heart disease, but my friends, I’m gonna live forever, all because of God’s amazing grace!

I can’t help but mention how much our sweet 4-year-old has grown! Not only in inches, but she is a MUCH more confident little girl than she was a year ago! Starting preschool has been one of the best things for Mazy! She absolutely loves school and her teachers have been an incredible blessing in her life. Mazy continues to love and live life to the fullest, and teaches me to do the same. I can’t imagine life without her. She keeps me going, keeps my mind occupied with games and puzzles, and is always including me in her pretend stories. Her laughter, her goofy personality, and her child-like faith, is just what this mama needs. God knew the joy she would bring to our life – a gift we get to continue to unwrap daily.

So what will 2020 bring? My everyday is so unpredictable. But so is everyone’s, right? Are there things I would like to do this coming year? Absolutely. Are there areas in life that I would like to grow in? Always. And I am excited to do another blog post about what those areas are.

What are you looking forward to most in 2020? What are you hoping to experience, grow in, or change in your life?

Whatever God allows in this coming year, may you continue to trust HIM everyday. Every hour. Every minute. Nothing will compare.