As The Page Turns…

I plopped down at our kitchen table, with the old 2023 calendar to the side, and my 2024 flowery wall calendar, all pristine and empty, laid before me. My planner to my right, with all of the “nexts” labeled within it.

A blank slate, but a planner filled with reminders of what God has taken us through this past year, and more of what’s to come. How I sometimes wish I could allow my mind to see each day as a blank slate, like a blank calendar, but my planner and my mind, are already filled with my cancer journey.

As I started to write down every appointment that is known to me thus far, I refused to put “admission day” and “transplant day” on our wall hanging calendar. I want Mazy to see our life as more than just cancer. Our life as more than just living from one appointment and hospitalization to the next. For life IS SO MUCH MORE than those things.

As I scrolled through the appointments on my phone, I was curious how many appointments I’ve had this past year. It was a little tricky to count them all up because I have doctors in Holland, Grand Rapids, and Ann Arbor, from multiple specialty teams. From the cancer center in Holland alone, I had 32 lab draws. And from the other two places, between phone calls, portal “visits”, video visits, in-person appointments, ER, Urgent Care, etc., I’ve had close to 200 “appointments”. And 2 weeks of hospitalizations. I don’t say all that for pity or sympathy, but a realization that life brings on circumstances we can never plan for.

This past year, we had 2 months of “freedom” from cancer. April and May. Numbers looked relatively good, I was feeling better and better, and we felt we were given a new lease on life. But God had a different idea, come June. I’ll never forget the day I saw what should’ve been zero, a cancer number pop up positive. My doctors were thinking it was just a fluke, but by August, it was assumed to be cancer, and was confirmed the next month.

It was either chemo for life, or a shot at a bone marrow transplant. But there was one problem. My failing heart. Unfortunately, that issue had not gone away amidst the cancer diagnosis. It only fell on top of it. As plans were being made for what to do, I’ll never forget the call I received from my cardiac nurse while in the toothpaste aisle at Family Fare, with Mazy by my side. She informed me that the heart failure team was looking at some more advanced therapies, which now included doing a double transplant – a heart and bone marrow transplant, at the same time. I laughed after I got off the phone. Mazy ran up to Dan after we arrived home, telling him we were going to move to Massachusetts or Minnesota. Those were the only two places that were suggested to us.

After swallowing that news and trying to accept that our future was immensely up in the air, I had an ECHO the next day, and wouldn’t you know it, my ejection fraction went up 20%, and I now qualified for a “normal” bone marrow transplant and we could hold off on the heart transplant. And here we are today, days away from a bone marrow transplant, that will be done more locally, to try and rid my body of this cancer just one more time.

This past year has looked NOTHING like we had planned or thought it would. We thought I would be cancer free and just be dealing with heart issues. Now my heart issues are on the back burner and cancer is front and center, as I try to survive this yet again.

One thing I have learned is that suffering strips us of all things familiar. Of the things that we think we can find comfort in. Of the things we try to find happiness in. Suffering frees us to fall into the arms of our true Savior, true source of joy, and through suffering, we can more freely enjoy the blessings He’s given us, instead of pursuing what doesn’t last.

Suffering has exposed my weakness and as I hold my life up to His character, I realize the grace I need for each day. I see the ways I try to cling to life here on earth. It’s pleasures. It’s lures. Despite my weaknesses, I so desire to be a shining light in this dark world, but I sometimes feel how I envision doing that, is so different than God’s. Leukemia has sheltered me in my own home, away from the places of community I would normally find myself in, but as you could see above, most of my social interactions are with those in medical facilities. For now, THAT’S where God has called me to be a shining light in the darkness. I have no idea who I’ll run into during those appointments and now this lengthy hospital stay, but God has set them up as divine appointments.

And he has done the same for your life too. This past year may have looked NOTHING like you thought it would. But God has ordained what He has, as these divine appointments, wherever in life he leads you, to be a shining light in the darkness.

I don’t know what 2024 will bring for me or for you. But one thing I do know is that in Ephesians 1:11 it says, “In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will.”

His divine appointments.

What does your planner already hold? What are you writing on your calendar? What are you looking forward to? What are you already dreading? Whether this next year brings several medical appointments, “divine appointments” in the grocery store, pick up line, or over coffee with a friend, God is in control. He is sovereign over your days. Let His divine appointments run your calendar, knowing that he has predestined each day according to the purpose of him who works all things according to his will.

Here’s to a NEW YEAR of divine appointments and being a shining light in the darkness!