Case of the I Can’ts

For some reason today, I have a case of the “I can’ts”. It has been a rough day, reason being that I haven’t really dealt with my feelings deep down for awhile. That was kind of a mistake b/c it’s all coming out today. Some days something will bother me, but I just keep busy, try to quickly find something to do, so that I don’t have to deal with it. Today my thoughts were getting the best of me. I can’t hold it in anymore. I can’t hold back the tears. Tears over what I can’t have or do. I can’t ever send out a birth announcement or announce I’m pregnant – that seems like such a joy. I can’t look at my own child and hear people say how he/she would look like me. I can’t go and buy all these newborn clothes and picture what they would look like on our child. I can’t run ever run a race. I can’t ever get “super” in shape. All these things just wear me out.

I was talking with someone today and they have someone very close to them going through a difficult time and that person had asked for prayer to “keep the faith.” That’s what I need most right now. I need prayer to keep the faith. I feel today my faith is wavering and it hurts me to say that, but I read promises in the Bible and I just think – why can’t I feel the results of those promises? I cried out to God a little bit ago b/c I want to feel His presence – I want to know what He has in store for us next. I don’t know what to look forward to b/c I don’t know what’s ahead. It’s hard to move on from something that you just “assume” will happen – having your own family. It’s just one of those stages in life – but I don’t even know if that’s what He has for us.

I went on a walk b/c I needed to clear my mind (though I think I ended up thinking more…) but God reminded me of the passage from James 1:2-6. I have this passage highlighted in my Bible probably back from high school.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

My faith is being tested – it has been tested. I just need that perseverance! I am lacking wisdom and I ask God, but I don’t get the answers I want – it’s just not HIS timing. Maybe if I knew the answers I wouldn’t fully grieve, and I know that is what I need to be doing. I sometimes doubt and feel like that wave of the sea – that is like my emotional state! It’s such a rollercoaster sometimes and I don’t like that! I don’t want to sin in my grief, yet I realize that I continually find myself just surrendering to God saying I just can’t do this on my own. It can be a lonely feeling. But surely my faith is tested and I WANT TO WITHSTAND THE TEST! I am trying my hardest to believe in the promises God provides so clearly in His Word and just trust that God will give us wisdom in His timing.

I want the feelings of “I Can’t” to diminish, but the reality is that they are there. When people ask me how I’m doing, I often just say good b/c I don’t even know what to say – today was one of those days. But I praise God for the passage in James that it will be pure joy someday and that God WILL give us wisdom and perseverance. One day at a time…