Mourning What Leukemia Has Taken

Over the past week, I am finding myself mourning what leukemia has conveniently taken.

I know, this isn’t one of those “start on a positive” posts from Kristin, but I am still processing what happened on September 15. I feel like it’s one of those “Ebenezer” moments where I can see God’s hand in so many ways and can see his faithfulness. Yet it’s a date we will always look back on as we remember what God introduced us to. A cancer journey we never saw coming.

Within hours, I was wheeled up to the cancer floor and soon started on chemotherapy. I didn’t have time to process, mourn, and grieve. But is there ever enough time? Is there ever a “right” time? Do we ever arrive when it comes to mourning? We often think we have to “be okay” by a certain time frame, but says WHO?

I sometimes feel like leukemia has taken a lot from me. Relationships are on hold, dreams taken a back seat, hopes dashed, expectations unmet, and I find myself still having FOMO (the fear of missing out, because I am). It is a whole new season of life that still has my head spinning. Who is this Kristin whose life seems devoted to fighting this cancer now?

But the more I walk this journey, the more I realize that even in the mourning…

In a story, we all want to get to the end. The whodunit, who will be victorious, will she get the guy, will he rise above his challenges, etc. But in any good story, often there is a time of loss. Of mourning…over something. And as much as I want to get to the end, get to the end of my treatments, and get to the cure, I need to allow myself to mourn throughout the process because God is writing a part of my story that includes mourning too.

The new season of life has me confused, frustrated, and on edge at times, yet I am at peace and filled with hope in a way that I have never felt before. And yes, you can feel all those things at once! As much as I still cry over my leukemia, I see a story being written, lessons learned, and the character of God shown to me in ways I would’ve never seen any other way.

So for that person who is mourning, not just someone they lost, but a dream, a hope, or an unmet expectation, don’t stop because you feel like you have to. Let the peace of God wash over you, moment by moment, as He takes you through each step of this mourning journey. You will find that when you allow Him to take you through the process, in the end, you will see the beauty in the story He is writing for YOUR life, and no one else’s. For you’ll never know how God will use your story to affect someone else’s life.