At 2:15am, I hear Mazy whimper from across the hallway. I squint to look at the clock, pat the end table next to me – can’t go anywhere without those glasses. I tip toe over to the clothes hook to find my house coat, as I quickly open her door and tell Mazy…
She is panicked and points to the “bugs” in her bed. As I felt around there were little grains of sand left over from our castle building hurrah in the sandbox that afternoon.
I scoop her up, lay her in my lap, and start to sing; her big blue eyes stare into mine.
You see, this is a common occurrence in our house for the past 2 1/2 years. Our sweet girl wakes up, unable to fall back asleep, for hours at a time. This night, it was 4:00am by the time she fell back into those sweet dreams of puppies licking her face.
It is during those wee hours of the morning, when my thoughts soak in. When I can truly take in a moment, even though I am peeling my eyes open. My knees start to ache from rocking, back and forth, back and forth, as sweet Mazy lies in my arms. But it’s in the moments that I start to, like I said, soak it all in.
I stare at her walls, seeing them as an open canvas, dreaming of what to put on them. I stare at the custom sign my dear friend made, with the verse from Psalm 37:4, believing that God has given us the desires of our hearts. There she was, lying in my arms, in that moment. I glanced to the left and saw the curtains we repurposed from our old place in Minnesota. What memories we have of that old place – the house we brought Mazy home to. The place where so much healing occurred. Then I glance a bit more to the left and there stands an open wall. It’s yet to have any nails poked into it, but that’s okay. It’s a fresh start.
Mazy sits up, rests her head on my chest, and I can feel her breathing become deeper and deeper. I look at her legs, as they hang off of mine, remembering the days when her little legs wrapped around my waist as an infant. My has she grown! Her sun-bleached hair, those fine strands, oh so soft. And I just can’t stop kissing those sweet strands.
I think about the day when we move that rocker/recliner into our living room. Something we said we’d do about a year after she was born and didn’t wake up in the middle of the night. Things do not always go as planned. Sometimes those nights are long and the mornings come early, but there is nothing that compares to those moments.
I laid her back down in her bed, stood over her for just a few more seconds, unaware I was even there. Will I miss times like these? I will not miss waking up in the middle of the night. I really won’t. We all need sleep. Good sleep. But will I miss soaking in who God created her to be? Letting those often fleeting thoughts soak in for once? No.
It was now 4:00am and it was time for us to go our separate ways. And when we woke up in the morning, God graciously gave me another day to love Mazy. Care for Mazy. And just be Mazy’s mommy.
I’m sure you’ve had to peel your eyes open all too often. I’m sure you have had times when you don’t for one second, wish the time away. You want to hang onto every second. But God continuously reminds me that time is not for us to hold, but Him alone. God has far greater purposes for us in the future than we could ever imagine. So no need to hang onto the past. God’s got this, which means you do too.