I’m having one of those moments of utter frustration – I’ve kind of felt it all day. A couple times today I got all teary eyed for the most random reasons. I look at our youth group kids and get teary eyed. I see little kids and I get teary eyed. I think about what we can’t have and I get teary eyed. I look at the books that I’m reading on our coffee table and I get teary eyed. I was reminded subtly of the story of Abraham and Sarah today. I remember reading that story as a kid thinking “wow, I can’t imagine that – waiting 90 YEARS for a kid!” I remember thinking I could never go through that. I AM HER. I am the woman who can’t have their own. We can’t even try. We can’t TALK about even trying. I know I talked about the positives yesterday, but today I just am struggling with it. In my Bible in the “character description” of Sarah, it says:
There probably isn’t anything harder to do than wait, whether we are expecting something good, something bad, or an unknown………A way we cope with a long wait is to gradually conclude that what we’re waiting for is never going to happen. Sarah waited 90 years for a baby! When God told her she would finally have one of her own, she laughed, not so much from a lack of faith in what God could do, but from doubt about what he could do through her. What parts of your life seem to be on hold right now? Do you understand that this may be part of God’s plan for you? The Bible has more than enough clear direction to keep us busy while we’re waiting for some particular part of our life to move ahead.
I know Sarah waited and she eventually had a baby. I don’t think that is going to happen to me. My heart is not getting better – it’s getting worse. What I have to wait for is maybe not a child, but for the better plan that God has for us. BETTER PLAN. I cannot get that in my head sometimes!! I feel guilty that I get all frustrated and confused when maybe a few posts before I’m fine. I have to tell myself that it’s part of the grieving, but I just don’t want another “last week.” I want this week to be a good week – I want to live this week in complete surrender to God’s plan, but it’s just so hard. Kristin’s faith is sure being tested :).
Ironically, my parents were going to name me Sarah, but they didn’t – instead they named me Kristin. Kristin means “believer in Christ.” I need to BELIEVE that God’s way is BETTER and He has something else in store for us, even when we have complete days of frustration!