So yesterday I posted about the new heart failure symptoms I have been feeling and today we learned that God has had a plan in his back pocket, that he decided to reveal to us late yesterday afternoon.
I have been speaking with an AMAZING nurse from my heart failure team at Michigan and she has been such an encouragement to me. Well, she called me today, asking how I’ve been doing, and while trying to explain that I still feel short of breath, she interrupted and said, “Kristin, I can hear it in your voice. You are not okay.” I started to tear up and mentioned that this is just not a quality of life I can keep living with and that it is just so hard on our daughter. She deserves a mama who can do more than this. That’s when my sweet nurse commented that yes, this is not normal, and we need to do something. Within the week.
I received a call about an hour later and she broke the news to me that I needed to be admitted. I knew that was an option, but I didn’t allow myself to fully go there, until she said the words. I have an appointment in Ann Arbor early Friday morning, and I will be admitted to the University of Michigan hospital’s heart floor as soon as a bed becomes available. The doctors don’t want to keep second-guessing themselves, but get clear answers and try to get to the bottom of this, if answers can be found.
This weekend my heart will be monitored for extra beats and ventricular tachycardia which (according to the internet) is a type of regular, fast heart rate that arises from improper electrical activity in the ventricles of the heart. Although a few seconds may not result in problems, longer periods are dangerous. Short periods may occur without symptoms, or present with lightheadedness, chest pain, or palpitations. entricular tachycardia may result in ventricular fibrillation and turn into sudden death.
Yikes. That is why we are all a bit concerned. Right before I left the ER on Tuesday, I was presenting these types of beats.
Then after monitoring this weekend, next week I will go through a slew of tests to see where the heart is at. I’m due for many of these tests anyways, so that they can get a clear picture of what’s going on. I will have a heart catheterization, EVO2 test which shows the maximum amount of oxygen the heart can provide to your muscles during sustained activity, so I’ll be walking on a treadmill with a mask over my face. I can’t imagine doing that right now, but hopefully things improve!
There is also talk that I might have more ablations done, which is a more intricate procedure. I know it would help me feel better, but I’m not banking on that procedure being completed during my stay. We have no idea how long I’ll be there, which is hard.
When we told Mazy what was happening, it was so hard. She REALLY struggles with mommy being gone and she just doesn’t understand, which makes it even harder. Nor do we expect her to understand. What she sees and feels in her own little heart is that mommy is gone and that something is wrong. My heart aches for her, as she constantly has to deal with a mommy whose health is so up in the air. That is why we just PRAY that clear answers can be found.
It’s easy to ask the why questions, but harder to trust. But as a dear friend reminded me today, Mazy is God’s child first. I am his daughter first. As I was trying to figure out how to make this all work, to keep Mazy busy, to ensure she is okay, I became extremely overwhelmed. Let alone prepare myself for what is to come. But I reminded myself of those truths my friend gently spoke to me: this life is about what God is doing in and through us all. It’s in his control and I just have to let go. Wanna know how freeing that is? IMMENSE freedom.
And so this weekend and next week are not how we had planned they would go. But when does life go as we planned? If you could please pray for Mazy, that she will forget that I’m even gone, we would be humbled! Also that she would feel the love of everyone around her, and not worry about mommy being gone. Pray for Dan as he holds up the fort while I am gone and tries to keep Mazy going. Also, if you could continue to pray that God would make it clear what’s happening. And if he DOESN’T, that we would trust that he is still faithful and good.
We know it’s going to be a long week, and we know we can’t get through it without our Savior. But we also couldn’t be more thankful for the body of Christ who continues to surround us. Thank you for your prayers – I truly mean that. When we are worn out, we know others are storming the throne of God. The ultimate healer. We are incredibly blessed with a family of God who continues to uplift us, encourage us, and help us walk through this journey.