I can easily get in the habit of scrolling through Facebook during the wee hours of the morning, rocking Mazy back to sleep after she wet through. It’s the simplest of tasks – a simple thumb movement, as my eyes take note of what is going on in the lives of those around me.
My eyes usually just skim past without getting locked on a certain post for too long. Ironically though, the posts that I have found myself coveting and envying are those New Year’s resolutions to get in shape.
Seeing videos posted about workouts, how to get in shape THIS year, to make it the year of the best YOU, I start to envy what those people can do. I see their energy. I see their bodies. I see what I do not have. And it’s depleting my mind cup. Draining it. Sucking it dry.
I cannot even put into words, how badly I want to just feel “normal” again. I know that normal for me is going to look different because of ongoing heart issues and heart failure, but I do know too that this season has a purpose. Before surgery, my goal was to be as “in shape” as I could be, knowing that the more “in shape” I was, the better the outcome. Welp. I didn’t know that two surgeries would be the case and all that I worked hard to do, felt like it has now been balled up like a wad of paper and thrown into the nearest trash can. I will never forget the day after my second surgery when they wanted me to try to walk to the chair. I had no strength to even walk. Let alone lift my own head. A vivid memory that is tucked into the corners of my mind.
But then I look at where I am today.
Yesterday, Dan and I walked around a BLOCK. Like not just the side of a block. But around a whole block! I shocked myself. I felt like I conquered the world. It was just what I needed. And then I let myself stoop to envy of what I can not do. And it saddens me. It saddens me because I realize how easy it is to get down, but then I also realize that maybe I’m not the only one who plays this mind game?
How many of us see other people’s lives in social media and think “oh man, if only I had that? If only I looked like that? If only my hair was like this? If only my body type was like that? If only my wardrobe looked like this?”
I need to protect my mind. I need to remind myself of what I CAN do. I need to remind myself of where I’ve been and where God has me now. I need to remind myself that I will never look like Jillian Michaels or the fit trainers that I used to follow on my HIIT videos because that is not my life. I need to protect my mind from those posts and yearnings, realizing that God has worked in my life in the way He saw fit and I want you to realize, that He has done a great work in you too.
We all have a story that has led us to where we are today. Being given the gift to walk around that block, will give me tears in my eyes if I think about it too long. And why let a simple post or yearning ruin that? Now do NOT get me wrong. I have every desire to get “in shape” and be heart-healthy. Exercise and living a healthy lifestyle are two things I value greatly. But at what cost? The world says we need to look a certain way. Be a certain size. Well, the past two months have made me realize that my life is worth FAR more than looking the right size. My scars tell a story of far greater depth than my jean size.
We are to be good stewards of our bodies, as commanded by God. He created them, so therefore, we are to care for them. Simple. But at what cost? When the idea of it becomes an idol and gets in the way of what God is doing because of envy, that’s when we need to throw up the hand and say stop, wait a second here!
The point I am trying to make is that we all have our little endeavors we want to accomplish in life. But are they realistic? Are they realistic in the season of life God has us in? Or are they just a picture of envy? That is what I encountered through that simple scroll through Facebook. Such a mindless act that drained my mind cup.
Time to fill ‘er back up with the blessings of today. Instead of focusing on what we don’t have, what if we started to take notice of what we DO have?
When does envy get the best of you? When does your mind cup get drained?
And then…what do you do to fill your mind cup up?