A month ago, this maybe isn’t how I anticipated celebrating my 34th birthday, but this doesn’t surprise God.
I remember thinking before my first surgery, that by my birthday, I wouldn’t necessarily be back to normal, but I would be far on the mend. I would be a week past my post-op appointment and hopefully freed of any restrictions I was on.
I am now on a different journey; though this birthday is maybe just a bit more special. Not in the sense that we did anything more special than any other birthday, in fact probably quite the contrary, but it is more special in the sense that I am realizing how fragile life really is.
It was about a month ago, plus a few days, that I found myself on a helicopter to the hospital and then a few days later, my life on the line. If a medical procedure wasn’t done in the next few hours, pending the working of a certain medication, my life would be in jeopardy. That reality, I am still dealing with.
I was given the gift today of speaking with our pastor, to work through some of the emotional and spiritual side of all of this. It was a great, great gift. I can heal physically. It’s a LONG journey and I get easily frustrated with the pain, but that I know what to do with. The other two aspects, I really didn’t. I have my degree in social work and I LOVE talking with others about the struggles they go through, but ironically, when I have been faced with my own difficulties and trials with these two surgeries, I’ve been left floating adrift, wondering how to deal with some of the emotions I have been having. Thankfully after today, I’ve been able to make sense of many of them, and it was all part of God’s “gift” to me today.
Dan asked what I wanted for my birthday and I truly wanted nothing. I just wanted my family. So tonight, I tried to think of something we could do, without having to drive far and not be around too many people, and I thought going out to eat at a nearby restaurant. We went to one of my favs, The Farmhouse, and we went early enough where it was pretty empty, so hopefully I didn’t catch any crazy bug. It was a wonderful time spent looking across the table at my little family, thankful to be alive and heading down the road to being well.
I should mention too, last night Dan did something that made my night. He knows I LOVE looking at Christmas lights. Our town had just lit up their downtown area, so after he got home from youth group, Mazy was still awake (only daddy can now put her to bed), he told me to put on my coat and get in the car. It was an odd request since I have barely left our house since being home. I obeyed orders and jumped in. He said he wanted to show me something. He told me the Christmas lights are up and oh, what a beauty it was. Such a small to-do, but it made my night and meant so much to me. I may not be able to travel far, but sitting in the van with my family, oooing and aaahhhing over Christmas lights (yes, even Mazy joined in), was more than I could’ve asked for.
Tonight, Mazy snuggled with me in my chair and I couldn’t help but look down at her and tear up. I see this sweet little 2 1/2 year old and oh how thankful I am that God chose me to be her mom. The road is not easy right now and she has been so patient with me. But sweet Mazy, your mommy is coming back! Just hang tight, sweetie!
When your life is in jeopardy, you see life in a different perspective. Today has been one of those days. Everything is a little sweeter. Every happening, every word Mazy says, every act of kindness Dan has done, has been just a little more meaningful. I know tonight when I go to bed, I may shed a tear, not in sadness that I am one year older, but in thankfulness to God, knowing He has given me life. Another year to serve Him. Another year with purpose. Another year that God is not done with me. That sure is a humbling thought; especially knowing that at any moment, He could have taken my life. And He could still at any moment right now.
That’s why I want this year even more so, to continue to be a pursuit of Him, a pursuit of who He wants me to be, and a pursuit of spreading the glory of God. He is just too great to not share about. And that’s why I can’t wait to continue blogging! He is just too amazing and miraculous to share about via words in this blog.
Thank you for all of the facebook comments, the cards, the texts, and love that you have shown me. I am realizing that I am surrounded by such an amazing family of God, more and more each day. Thank you ALL.
Here’s to year 34 and a year that only God knows what it holds. All I know is that it is for my good, even if it may mean heartache, surgeries, rejoicing, and yes, even fun. God is good. and God, thank you for carrying me through another year. I am not sad to see 33 go, for I am not the same person because of it. The moves, the goodbyes, the diagnoses. But I am ready for the new. Whatever that may entail.