Driven By Guilt?

Are you ever hard on yourself? I know I sure am! I can beat myself up over the littlest thing sometimes. For some reason this example just came to mind; last week I ordered some pictures from Walgreens. They were taken by one of our youth group girls and she did a phenomenal job! Well, the guy at the counter asked who took them and I said one of our youth group girls. I didn’t think much of the question, but I saw on one of the packages “professional” written on it when I got home. I put two and two together and he had thought I was pulling a fast one on them and was having “professional” pictures developed at Walgreens. That would explain why he was so cold to me. Well, I felt sooo incredibly guilty, though I had done nothing wrong. It was the assumption that someone had of me that bothered me. So, what did I do? I called the guy at Walgreens and explained to him the story. I think he believed me then and I sure know I felt a whole lot better. I was just bothered that he thought I was lying to him.

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but we are reading Crazy Love in our small group. There was a part in there that really made me think. “You have to stop loving and pursuing Christ in order to sin. When you are pursuing love, running toward Christ, you do not have opportunity to wonder, Am I doing this right? or Did I serve enough this week? When you are running toward Christ, you are freed up to serve, love, and give thanks without guilt, worry, or fear. As long as you are running, you are safe…When we are focused on loving Christ, it doesn’t mean we do less. I used to do many of the same things I do now, but I was motivated by guilt or fear of consequences. When we work for Christ out of obligation, it feels like work. But when we truly love Christ, our work is a manifestation of that love, and it feels like love.”

I think some good points are made here, yet some points that really got my mind rolling. To think that I “stop” loving Christ when I sin is hard to swallow! I realize that I am not able to unconditionally love like God does, so to think that when I sin, it hurts that love relationship. Boy, that makes me think about each and every sin I commit daily! On the other hand, when I AM running towards Christ, that love comes naturally! I think that’s where my guilty conscience comes in. I think when I am running towards Christ, my sin is pointed out more b/c I can more clearly see what is a sin and what isn’t. I realize what is keeping me separated from Christ. I sometimes think guilt and fear are good things…though I say that lightly b/c it’s not something that should consume us, but I think they are feelings that point out our sin and help restore that relationship with Christ. If we feel guilty, maybe we did do something wrong. When I have fear, I know that I am not fulling trusting God. As you can see, I am still working through a few of these things yet in my own head and am seeking to see what God is trying to teach me through this.

I’m going to be honest – sometimes I feel like being a Christian can feel like work. I am not proud to say that AT ALL, but sometimes after a long day at work or just a long day in general, I look at my Bible and think oh man, I don’t have the mental capacity to read the Bible right now, and then it feels like work. BUT…God knows that feeling already – maybe it’s not the Bible I need to read at that moment, but maybe to just pray what I am feeling and to think about how God has gotten me through a long day. Maybe it’s reflecting on what He has done for me and praising Him, instead of reading a verse. I think there are many different ways to connect with God (I suppose you could call them spiritual disciplines). But I think this author has a point – when our relationship with God feels like a chore, I am not fully loving God – I am putting myself first, and that can be a dangerous path. There is a time and place for devotions – I don’t think God expects us to read His Word and never put it down. That would keep us from SPREADING His Word. But what I think He does expect is for us to show His love and reflect His image in EVERY area of our lives.

Should I have felt guilty over the Walgreens issue? Maybe not, but maybe by calling that guy back, it made him think twice. Maybe it made no impact at all. I don’t have a clue and I never will. But I feel guilt and fear often leads to an action that needs to be taken. Whether it means setting the record straight, going to scripture to find out what to do, or asking for forgiveness. Living a life for Christ is a process – a long one. But each day we get the opportunity to live more fully for our Savior – what a blessing!