Oh The Unknowns

Last week I wrote a blog post about “Uncluttered Circumstances”. Little did I know that it was the message my heart needed to hear just a few short days later. We would love a life without difficult circumstances because they seem to cloud the vision of where God is leading us, but in all reality, those times often draw us closer to him, which is exactly what He desires. And we should too.

Two weeks ago I went to Ann Arbor for an intricate blood test that determines whether or not the leukemia is making it’s way through my body again. It always takes a bit to get the results back, and those few weeks are always a little nerve-wracking. Meanwhile, I had received a heart monitor last week to see how many extra beats I was having, which unfortunately, are making their way into my life again. Lord-willing they aren’t too bad and that I won’t need to have a procedure quite yet.

Well, I received a call this past Thursday from my cancer doctor and I could tell by the sound of her voice, it wasn’t good. That blood test no longer showed 0.00000. It showed 0.00230. That number means one of two things – either it’s a false positive, or that I have relapsed and have cancer/leukemia again.

I was in complete shock and the initial shock made me sick to my stomach. I am only 4 months out from my last treatment and I’ve already possibly relapsed? My body is still trying to regulate itself after the last round of chemo treatments. And now to have to think about doing it all again?

Here’s the deal. Because that number is so low, they are hoping and we are just PRAYING it’s a false positive. That apparently can happen? Or, I am in the extremely early stages of a relapse. But the thing is, they would not expect me to relapse this quickly. The other side of it is that my platelets are low, which is a sign it’s back, but they’ve BEEN low. There are so many variables that we decided it would be best that I have a bone marrow biopsy tomorrow in Ann Arbor, to try and get a clearer answer. We hope to find out the results by Friday.

Talk about feeling like we have cluttered circumstances. Thursday morning felt unfathomable and unbearable. We honestly couldn’t believe it. And yet as the day went on, there was an indescribable peace that we felt washing over us. Because truly WE DO NOT KNOW. We don’t know if the cancer is back. We don’t know what my body is doing. We don’t know if it’s a false positive. Of course our minds go to the worst case scenario, but we truly don’t know.

So we sit and wait. We wait to see what God does. We wait and see what his plan is. And I don’t like waiting, folks. But one thing these past few days have taught and retaught me, is that prayer is incredibly powerful. And that’s why I type this today. We are asking that you join with us in praying that this test result is just a false positive and that the cancer is NOT back. Even more so, that God would keep it out of my body for good. I have had 3 of these tests over the past 8 months (since my initial induction phase of treatment) and they’ve all come back clear. So we were not expecting this at all. Though as much as we were surprised, God was not.

Dealing with a heart monitor/issues and then finding out about that test result was a lot for one week. It felt so heavy. And yet I go back to the post I wrote and how these “cluttered” circumstances only draw us closer to him. That’s exactly what we have felt too. A nearness to our Father and a peace that surpasses all understanding. I firmly believe that peace is from his gracious hand and from the prayers of others, knowing we don’t walk alone. No matter what the results are, I know this has already drawn us to Himself in a way that nothing else would. And if it’s cancer, we will do it again, not in our own strength, but by the strength he gives us. For surely we don’t have enough on our own, but nor do we have to. That’s why we serve the risen Savior that we do.

As I often say, thank you for continuing to walk this journey with us. The end of the week can’t come soon enough, but we also know God has given us today, and we don’t want to wish away the time. We know our God is good, even when our circumstances aren’t. We know He is sovereign, even when things feel out of control. We know that if He brings us to it, He will bring us through it. No matter what the result may be, we know Psalm 73:26 is a promise that will forever hold true: My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.