He Will Never Let Go

“I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done.”

Elisabeth Elliot

I read it the other day on Sydney McLaughlin’s Instagram page (she’s a world record holder sprinter) and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.

As many of you know, this has been a trying week for our family. Receiving that phone call last week Thursday, saying that I might have cancer again, honestly about wrecked me. I know that’s a strong term, but my emotions took over. Our minds right away go to “worst-case scenario”, and as hard as I tried not to let it, the experiences this year with chemo and fighting leukemia are so fresh yet. We told sweet Mazy Grace about the possibility because A. I couldn’t hide my emotions sometimes and B. I had to have a bone marrow biopsy and there was no hiding the fact we had to go to Michigan. It was a hard week for all of us.

Then yesterday. I received a call from my oncologist stating that all of the test results that have come through thus far, have come back CLEAR. Of course I immediately started to cry! I was getting closer to the “Thy will be done” phase that Elisabeth Elliot talked about, but there was still such a desire to be told I didn’t have cancer. As my doctor said, today is excellent news, but we aren’t out of the woods yet. We are waiting on another test result that helps determine if I’m at a higher risk of it coming back. If so, I will have to be monitored very closely.

The cancer journey is a roller coaster. So many ups and downs and one would think I have learned that lesson by now. Knowing the chance of relapse is 50% with AML, it’s a reality we walk with daily, but pray fervently it doesn’t become our reality. And yet I think what God has taught us this past week, that “His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done,” is truly a deep spiritual lesson that I need to KEEP practicing. We felt that this week. An immense amount of love not only from our Savior, but from those around us. Praying and lifting us up to the throne of grace. We walked through this past week, knowing that we don’t walk alone, no matter the results. And to be able to say I’m CANCER FREE TODAY, is a gift I didn’t have this past week. We don’t know what my tomorrow’s will bring, but TODAY, we can say I’m cancer free.

It was also the perfect night to celebrate! Last night we were able to see Dude Perfect on tour at the Van Andel Arena. We’ve had the tickets for several months, and little did we know what a gift they would be. We walked through the doors of the arena and I started to cry. We were the only ones in the stairwell at the time and I had to stop and just take a moment. It was a lot. To be able to be there without the worry of cancer for just that moment, with my family, felt like such a gift, that I couldn’t hold back the tears. We were there. Watching a group we love to watch, as a family at home. It may seem so small, but these are the moments you find yourself treasuring when you walk the road of cancer and heart failure.

Even though we were sitting pretty high up, we were able to see Ty and Coby close up during one of the their battles they did from the stands:

Last night I felt free from the weight of our earthly struggles. And yet we ALL walk with them. Mine just happen to be in the form of health issues. And yet God gives us these moments of grace and love, to remind us that he cares about the little details too. He shows us his compassion through the moments of tears that fall when we realize he cares THAT MUCH. Shoot, I even started crying at Mazy’s church softball game after she scored a run. I know, pathetic! But again, it was in that little moment that I realized no matter what happened, that whatever news we would receive, I was able to watch her in person, and God gave us grace for that moment. I missed SO MUCH over the past year, and it reminded me of the gift each moment in life is.

I want to remember the beauty of each day. This week taught me that I need only to focus on TODAY. During times of tears, I felt like my worries were sucking the joy out of me because I let them weigh me down. I wanted to control the situation, but as much as I tried to do so, God’s sovereign will, will ALWAYS win. I can get rebellious and try to think up my own plan, but all I need to do is just submit to his will each and every day, and submit to his authority over me. Never letting go of Him, because He will never let go of me.