This is Cancer

This is a bit more of a real and raw post, but I pray that this in some way encourages someone who may be going through cancer themselves or just a difficult time in life. It’s good to be honest. It’s good to share because most likely someone else is experiencing the same thing.

Cancer doesn’t hold back. It doesn’t wait for you to be ready for a side effect, but throws it at you, layer by layer. And sometimes you’re left looking at your body, wondering what happened to it?

Bone marrow transplants are intense. You are prepared in every way for what the toxic chemo can do to your body, but until you start to feel the side effects, it’s only just an idea. Then the effects start to take place.

I remember one day in the hospital, fingering through my hair, and getting clumps. Was it going to stay minimal? Or should I shave my head? I decided to go for it and I am so grateful I did. Losing my hair at that point was the least of my worries.

And now I’m left with a completely bald head. Sometimes I surprise even myself that I am bald, only because I live in hats! Our daughter has not seen my bald head and most likely will not, which is just fine. It’s a lot for an 8 year old to take in, who has already been through so much. And I’d much rather live in hats than a wig! Personal preference. Thankfully it’s cool outside and hats are a welcomed thing to wear this time of year! But sometimes this ole noggin has to breathe. It’s itchy. Flaky. I’m losing the little stubble I do have. But eventually the new growth will start coming in! And I’ve got GREAT lotions to help with all of that, thanks to some dear friends!

Even though I have a plethora of hats to choose from, I’ve embraced the bald. I know to those who look at me, it probably takes some getting used to, but I figure that this too, will be temporary. Bonus is that I don’t ever have to worry about doing or messing up my hair anymore!

Cancer hasn’t only taken my hair, but I have what they call the busulfan rash. Busulfan was one of the chemos I was on and it’s nasty stuff. Just google it and read the list of side effects and you’ll get the idea. Because I had to wear a heart monitor, the leads caused skin irritation, and then the busulfan darkened that skin, which is now peeling. My stomach and chest are quite the sight. To the point where even I cringe when I look at myself! The skin discoloration will eventually go away, but I’m thinking it’ll take a good summer for it to go away completely.

I’ve also been dealing with a pretty significant amount of neuropathy in my hands and feet. This is what landed me in the hospital last weekend. Thankfully it is gone from my hands, but I still feel it in my feet, which has been pretty painful. I’d love to say that I was able to enjoy the sunny weather here in Michigan by going on walks, but it was too painful to go. Instead I found the sunny spot on our couch and enjoyed the warmth that way! These are just some of the examples of how chemo has changed my body.

Cancer hasn’t only affected me physically, but what’s just as hard, if not harder, is how cancer changes the social aspect of life. I am such a social person! I told Dan the word that keeps coming back to my mind is GATHER. And yet that’s the very thing I can’t do, for risk of getting sick.

Our daughter was sick this past weekend, which brought on its own challenges because I can’t get sick, but by Sunday night she was feeling a lot better and we were able to snuggle (while I wore a mask). Talk about feeling weird…wearing a mask in your own house!

We both ended up in tears as we have missed what cancer has taken from us. We miss what we once had. Time together. Little outings together. Being able to snuggle whenever, wherever. Creating memories together. Tears streamed down Mazy’s face as she cried, “I just miss being with you, Mom!”

Oh honey, my heart longs for the same. This was the first weekend being home since the beginning of January and I had to isolate due to her being sick. It felt like time was stolen again from us. We long to go places together again. Go thrift shopping. Get groceries together. Go to Panera bread and wait for the buzzer to go off where we both jump every time and giggle. We desire what we once had.

And it’ll be months. But we will find new ways to create memories. And we pray God shields our home from sicknesses so that we can be together as one family unit.

If you’ve walked the road of cancer, you know the many ways it has affected your life. But if you’ve walked ANY difficult road, the feeling is the same.

God has taught me so many intricate lessons through this journey. Oh the people we’ve met. The conversations had. God doesn’t waste any moment. God doesn’t waste cancer. God doesn’t waste heart failure. And God doesn’t waste your situation either. He is working within you, and is writing a beautiful story to glorify him through it.

In what ways are you using your story to bring glory to him? In what ways do you see him working? There is going to be hard. Ugly. And even balding at times. But through it all, God is going to use it for a far greater purpose than you could ever imagine!

Let me be a witness to that. God has shown himself faithful through this journey in more ways than I can write about. Don’t lose hope. You may lose your hair, but don’t lose sight of what God may be doing through it all!