A Different Kind of Thanksgiving This Year

Last year’s Thanksgiving was very different for us. We are in such a different place in our life today! Here is what I wrote LAST year the day after Thanksgiving:

I was blessed to have Dan with me for Thanksgiving (though he is technically still deer hunting). We had some amazing talks…and as hard as it is to be away from him sometimes, our conversations when we were together yesterday were meaningful and very heartfelt. I told him I am going to struggle with the holidays. And I realize I do. Yesterday was hard. We are at the stage in our life where people just have kids. There is no getting around that. So we come to family gatherings and that’s what the conversations are about. That’s what they revolve around. Is that a problem? No, by all means it is not. People talk about what is going on in their life’s stages and that’s where they are all at. But for people who aren’t in that stage, it’s really tough. We almost felt out of the loop just b/c we didn’t have anything to chime in with – in fact we have quite the opposite. I almost find myself wanting to shy away from it all b/c it still hurts. I had a hard time saying goodbye to Dan last night b/c there was a lot of pain – tears that needed to fall. I didn’t want to let go of the one “constant” in my life.

While lying in bed last night I kept thinking about family and the get togethers we had. I am so blessed to have people just give me a hug – not having to really say much, but that they are just praying for us. I can’t tell you HOW MUCH that means. To receive hugs last night of just pure love and compassion, made my night. I wish I could say that we have moved on, but we haven’t. It’s still at the complete forefront of our life yet, so for people to continue to say they are praying, means more than I can ever express. I am blessed to have immediate and extended family who care so deeply. It’s been so nice to stay at my parents, leave some of the worries in St. Joe, and just be up here with what is still very familiar.

One more thing…Dan and I had a little bit of a drive yesterday to just talk. One of the things that has been on both of our hearts, is the thought of adoption. We don’t talk about it everyday, just because we aren’t ready to, but also for this reason: we feel God taking away the passion and desire to be parents. It hurts me incredibly to say that, but that is the truth. We try to explain that to people, but it probably just comes off as sounding selfish. But that is truly what we are feeling – maybe it’s grief yet, maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s really God’s desire for us. I have to wonder WHY. WHY? I don’t know. I wish I could give an answer and account for it, but I can’t. Dan and I were both saying that we feel God leading us away from that – and it hurts, but at the same time, there is a certain peace about it too, b/c maybe that’s where God wants our hearts to be. So then, what is instore for us? Only God knows b/c we sure don’t!

This is a rather random post, but I feel I needed to share some of those thoughts. Some of them are hard to understand and you may think what? Really? Well, I don’t know the answers either, but I do know that once again, God does. He knows and that is what we are holding on to. Once again, God has written His OWN story for us, and we are realizing daily that it is very different from what we first expected and from what the “normal” is. We pray God continues to reveal that story to us…

Wow. The reason I reposted this is because I think it just adds to the amazement at what God has done. This was almost hard to read because it was easy to go back those feelings again – I remember that time so vividly. And NOW. God is doing some INCREDIBLE things! To read that last paragraph and think we had NO CLUE what He had in store for us! Reading how hard it was for us to come to terms with not being parents – now we understand why it was so hard! God maybe didn’t want us to completely give that up! Who knows. Talk about all of this not being what the “normal” is! I have learned to not label what God does as “normal” because what He does is extraordinary – not normal. Yes He will always answer our prayers and we could say that is normal – but when He answers, He can answer them so not “normal”!

This year’s Thanksgiving, we have such different feelings inside. To say we weren’t thankful last year is not true. We were learning what it meant to be thankful in ALL circumstances. Last year God taught us so much and we can’t begin to put into words what God has done for us since then. It was hard to sing some of those “Thanksgiving” songs because we both are just so overwhelmed – it’s hard to sing those songs with out tears. We know this may not work – but this Thanksgiving, we were thankful for another opportunity. God’s answers to our prayers – for that we are thankful. For holding onto the faith that He has a plan for us – for His plan, we are thankful. For the support He has shown us through family and friends, for them ALL, we are truly thankful.

What an amazing Thanksgiving it has been! We are still digesting what this Thanksgiving means to us because it has been a celebration! A celebration of hope.

We just praise God this Thanksgiving for revealing His story to us.