We Are So Much More

I don’t know about you, but my mind can run wild. I can be having the best night of sleep, then I wake up, and a million thoughts start running through my head, about the silliest of things. Remembering to order a swim cap for the summer. Buying more cereal so I don’t run out (I’m slightly obsessive about cereal), remembering to put a piece of paper in Mazy’s backpack. Shoot, I didn’t water the flowers. Thinking about my next appointment. I mean you list the scenario, my mind probably thinks about it. And before you know it, I’m awake for over an hour, trying to solve all of life’s problems in a matter of minutes. Because clearly I can do so while lying in bed, in the dark, with my eyes closed. Best way to solve problems, right?

I’ve been doing a lot of reading on the brain because I know mine is pretty messed up. And it’s been this way for awhile I think! The more I read and the more I listen to, the more I realize I’ve been wrestling with the anxiety of all that has been happening, more than I knew. The further away I get from chemo and my bone marrow transplant, and the more I can step away from just surviving to thriving, I can see how sick my thoughts have been.

For the record, I am recovering well from this transplant. Like very well. I’ve had some hiccups and my crazy heart decided to do some weird things again, but overall, God has blessed us greatly in this recovery. It’s a long one, and I’ve got a long ways to go yet, but for so long, I’d go to appointments and think “what’s the next thing that’s wrong?” I have equated any appointment as being told something negative is wrong with me. Now to some extent, I have to go to the doctor because something IS wrong with me, but why can’t I also see appointments as positive? Why can’t I see them as a gift? Why do I assume each time something will be wrong?

This is my problem. I have identified myself as a cancer patient. As a heart failure patient. NOT as a child of God. Yes, I believe I am, but that’s not always how I identify myself. Do you find yourself doing the same? Saying “I have…” or “I am…” or “I can’t…” or “I should…” Instead of just resting in the knowledge that you are created by a good God who loves you for WHO you are? He’s also the one who has allowed the trials He has! For a purpose! Trust me, it’s not like I’d choose to have cancer (though I can’t say that anymore b/c I’m cancer free!!!), or have heart failure (okay, still have that), but God has chosen that for me. I couldn’t have done anything to stop them.

So I’ve had to get face to face with God. And stop constantly being solely face to face with my issues. I need to stop listening to the voices that are in my head, and listen to the voice of God, telling me that I am His, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that He didn’t give me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control, and that HE can renew my mind.

I don’t know if you’ve seen videos of kids hearing their parents’ voices for the first time after getting cochlear implants, but I cry every time. Don’t you think that our relationship with God is similar? We are so distracted by the things, messages, and mindsets around us, that His voice gets muffled out to the point we can’t hear him anymore. But every time we go to Him, it’s like He hears our voices for the first time…HE LOVES US THAT MUCH.

Where has God taken you on your journey? What trials and difficult circumstances has He allowed in your life? What set of beliefs have those circumstances taught you? What voices are you listening to? How do you define yourself? By your issues or by how God sees you? I’m not saying He ignores what He has allowed in you, but He sees you as SO MUCH MORE. And you’re WORTH SO MUCH MORE. And He MADE YOU FOR SO MUCH MORE.

My brain has a lot of healing to do. Call it a “soapbox” or just God teaching me lessons along the way, but I hope to continue to encourage you in your walk with God, as you take every thought captive and ensure it is filled with truth, reflects God’s character, and is biblically sound. I know mine are pretty messed up at times! Hence my lying awake for over an hour, solving the problems of the world! But let’s not give in to what the enemy is trying to do – steal our joy, kill our peace, and stomp on our faith. God has made us for so much more!